Blog Wars: Fighting Jaundiced Journalism

For those of you who don't know, my roommate shot me an unprovoked request to start a blog war, so I find a quite ironic that when I sent the first attack, I have to hear (see on his shitty blog) his irrational bitching, out-of-context attacks and blatant yellow journalism.

Typically, I don't respond to such unqualified statements regardless of accusatory severity, but this is a special case. I'm relatively new to the blogosphere and I deem it vital to clear my name this one time to send a message to my readers that I will not back down to Ken Ham and Rush Limbaugh wannabes.

Last night my roommate raised a comment and a question for his alter ego, Fartpennies, who I will refer to as Penny from here on out - Canadian penny nonetheless undergoing severe inflation - since that is the relative monetary value of his thoughts. "Jake," Nick said probably because Penny is too much of a pussy to address me in person, "People read my blog because it's fun and makes them happy." The implication is implied. Sorry Penny, if you want a pattycake, cookycutter blog about arts and crafts or celebrities or other reality distracting supplements, go masturbate to BillboardJen or CupofJo or your own Vomit.

I write for myself and if you actually read my blog, you'd know I explicitly stated this in prior posts. I'm not sorry I write about deep, unpleasant topics (only to certain Perez-loving mentalities) that touch on subject matter that most people want to avoid because they'd rather live in a sense of ignorance-is-bliss denial.

Penny followed his comment with the following question: "So you aren't going to respond?" The implication is implied. "Sorry [Penny]." "I'm not a fucking pussy Democrat afraid to throw a little heat. I'm a fucking registered Independent, which means I don't play by whatever rules you live by."

I'm going to arrange my rebuttal in three parts:

#)A verbatim accusation from Penny's blog
Truth) My refutation to the accusation
Duh) State an objectively identified hypocrisy relevant to the accusation

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1) Self righteous 10 paragraph rants about religion, politics, and other dumb shit.

An use of language/phrases that goes past dickish and right onto being in love with owning a thesaurus.

Truth) If you actually read my blog instead of (Sean) 'cherry-picking quotes' (Hannity),' you'd realize that this self-righteousness you speak of is actually a pragmatic sense of equality. Take this quote for instance, "I might scoff at the absurdity of religion, but I absolutely do not blame you in your practice to overcome the universal fear of nonexistence." When did it become self-righteous to form an opinion, but acknowledge the validity of the other side as well? As far as my vocabulary, there is an important difference between, "being in love with owning a thesaurus," and the truth. See my thesaurus is in my fucking head and I'm proud of my extensive vocabulary imparted from years of reading. When discussing in a philosophical or scientific context, large words are imperative because as I have stated previously, linguistics are frequently being misinterpreted. Therefore, complex (only to certain Perez-loving mentalities) words are necessary to define as specific meaning as possible as to avoid further ambiguity. However, I mostly use large words as a platform for humor because it's funny to use words such as paradoxicist, which if you were at all well-read you'd realize this didn't come from a thesaurus, but was completely made-up by yours truly, then talk about your (Penny) fuck-pot erection.

Duh) Penny you say I'm self-righteous, but look at this piece of hate (literally) - filled rhetoric taken from your blog. "I've decided that I really don't like most people."

"...and other dumb shit," you say. Is it dumb to touch on the very nature of reality? Or, is it dumb to post about such topics as Showerbation? I'm not going to answer this question because dumb is an arbitrary meaning humans attach to experience, but I will let my readers decide for themselves.

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2) I'm sure he'll knock the fact that I believe capitalism is a good thing.

Truth) Come on Penny, don't insult me, my readers AND your readers with your assumptive logical fallacies. Didn't Steven Segal ever teach you anything in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory starring Steven Segal when Steven Segal says, "Assumptions are the mother's of all fuck-ups? Since, according to your assumption, I never said this, I'm not going to specifically refute it.

Duh) Duh will come with Penny's attack on my profession

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3) I happen to know what that shit for brains does for his own job...cleans up pollution caused by companies/governments/etc. You can tell tell that he thinks his shit doesn't stink because he's "helping the world" or some bullshit. Let me ask you this, when a company pollutes the groundwater somewhere and there is a public outcry what are the choices? By continually cleaning up after these messes your allowing the very companies you rail against to continue doing what they've done previously.

Truth) Anyone who is close to me knows that I continually stress that I am NOT an environmentalist, but work for a very business-oriented, profit-driven company that provides various environmental services. Do I have a sense of elitism over say investment bankers in terms of environmental altruism and human secularism? Absolutely. I know unequivocally that what I do has more of a direct positive effect and I do feel a sense of pride when making critical decisions that result in increasing amounts of diesel fuel being removed from the Chicago River.

Duh) Penny, your oversimplification about somehow being responsible in perpetuating poor management of production, which results in continued pollution is just hilarious. I'm not a fucking Sierra Club Dbag. I simply provide a service that is in-demand because of environmental law. Remember your love for capitalism? Good or bad, it is capitalism that allows these companies to continue their most cost-effective approach in reducing environmental impact, regardless of long-term detriment.

If you want to blame someone, blame legislatures for our lackadaisical environmental regulations. Guess what though Penny? Guess what happens when you over-regulate? See when you continue to penalize companies for environmental related issues, they lose profits and in poor economic times such as these, they go insolvent. (I know you have issues with big words... insolvent is an inability to pay debts, but guess what? I'm not going to act like you and claim expertise from the arm-chair. I know you are in financial services so you probably know all about insolvency).

So let's say the EPA continues to penalize an irresponsible mine for discharging heavy metals into a river. The mine can't afford to pay these fines, goes insolvent, becomes abandoned and turns into a Superfund site. A Superfund site is typically an area of severe pollution that has been abandoned and is no longer claimed by any party. I also clean these sites Penny. See this is where Environmental Pragmatism, NOT just Environmental(ISM) comes into play. To somehow claim that the services I offer lead to continued pollution is another example of your fetish for logical fallacies that you presumably Showerbate to in your screamingly loud manner.

SUPERFUND SITE

via Penny

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I could go on for days, but I need to do some work. (I'm working from home today biatches.. eat it! Actually it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'll probably do about 10 hrs of work, but only charge 7.5 because my productivity at home is inversely proportional to Penny's masturbatory decibel-level.

4) I don't dislike consumerism. However, my roommate is ready to go purchase a $40 winter hat from Urban Outfitters because it has a picture of a donkey fucking on it. A waste of money, not to mention totally classless.

Truth) Penny you don't dislike consumerism, but you just chose not to get involved? (And NICK, I told you about the fucking reindeer hat in confidence...dick..) Ok the $40 winter hat was actually kind of a response to Penny purchasing a $10 ugly sweater. I justified buying this hat with the following points:

Duh)

1) It makes much more sense for me to purchase an ugly (I love what most people view as ugly) $40 hat and wear it almost everyday this winter and perhaps next than for Penny to purchase a $10 sweater and only wear it once. Using his logic, our respective knit apparel is worth $10/use. Therefore, if I wear my hat 90 days this winter.

90 days x $10/use x 1 use/day = $900. $40 initial price - $900 Penny Logic = -$860. Urban

Outfitters is actually going to pay me $860 to wear a knit moose-humping hat this winter.

2) I consider myself a minimalist. I don't own a tv. I don't own a computer (I do have a work computer) I don't own a stereo.. dvd player.. In fact, the State Farm lady was pushing renter's insurance on me yesterday and I told her what my possessions were. She agreed it wasn't necessary. She's in sales and basically said she wasn't going to sell me insurance because I had nothing worth insuring. GREAT feeling. So I like to spend my money on travel, food and if I want to buy a perceived ugly hat for $40, well I damn well will and will have no guilt. Not only will it protect my head from the cold, but I'm also pumping money into our struggling economy.

I think I will buy it out of spite now. Please comment on whether I should buy it or not and remember, the more you say it's ugly and I shouldn't, the more I will want to buy it. Let the psychological war begin

What are you pumping into our economy Penny?

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I want to state for the record that I love this guy:

Nick is a great roommate, we share many of the same views and get along quite well. Nick if you really did have a dog Jake (like most people do), even though I have no evidence to indicate this, I'm sure he is somewhere humping away in the spiritual dog-ether.

Fartpenny, on the other hand, well, you judge for yourself:

Penny I am done warring with you. Life is too short for Perez-Hilton type drama. I... (this is hard for me).... I... I... love you

Odds & Ends & Breakfast Chili & Self-Inflicted Sore Throats & Sabbath Tequila & Perpetual Snot Drip.... oh and the...

Perceived Genetic Predisposition within the Construct of Patterned Social Recognition

Que cryptic sequiturs...

Why is it taboo to allow snot that comes out your nose to enter your mouth, yet no one blinks an eye at the volumes of mucous that is swallowed through post-nasal drip? Just curious. Do you think the farmer's blow is underrated? If you do not utilize the farmer's blow, you are destroying the environment! In fact, there is a strong correlation between tissue use and your responsibility in causing 911, just like smoking grass supports terrorism. Free Cuervo must never be turned down, even on Sunday. You are not considered gay for getting a blue curacao margarita, Jen! You are not considered straight for getting a liter Bud heavy. Breakfast chili after a weekend of Sex Jello is never a good idea. Is it just me or is it that every time someone is sick it is "going around?" When is it not going around?

There was a veritable orgy of Fart's Spooge at the Cellar (synonymous w/ 1040 w. school coined by JM and Fart) this last weekend.

via Fartpennies (arguably worst blog in blogosphere)

Much to the chagrin of Fart, I suggested that we have a monthly Sex Jello social gathering. Not that anyone can even think of consuming any more Bill Cosby's, but why not create a little tradition amongst friends? He's still pissed off that every time we have guests I somehow manage to avoid the dank (cellar) until he can't stand the (probably mostly his anyway) filth and ends up cleaning solo. Just fucking great. I have another whiny ultra-liberal corrupt insurance selling roommate. That is what you do, right Fart? You sell insurance for expensive umbrellas? Nice job. Way to give back to society. Fart always goes on these nonsensical rants about the evils of mass consumerism, yet, I'm pretty sure insurance is considered to be within the financial services industry. Fart I think you’ve been consuming too much of your own (1:1 water:vodka) Spooge. Just great. If it’s not narcissistic hegeministic neocons, it’s ultra-liberal paradoxicists. Blatant hypocrisy aside, I’ve uncovered concrete evidence illustrating Fart’s hatred for old people. It’s NOT a slippery slope to conclude Fart also hates children, especially babies, and most likely Jews as well. He also masturbates absurdly loud and his favorite self-love, love-nest is the living room. If you don’t believe me ask him for yourself. And… the kicker…!!

The other night I was having a drink on the cellar couch when I got the urge to check the B-sphere. Unfortunately my computer was not within my critical radius (the area in which something is reachable without getting up), but oh, there was Fart’s computer. So unassuming me, whistling and drinking without an apparent care in the world, opens his computer and discovered it is pass protected. “Fart! (Fart is actually only Fart’s cyber name) What’s your password?” Fart was in the kitch preparing something presumably awful. “Jake!” Fart replied over the superfluous noise created by someone obviously trying to get attention. “What?!” Pre-innocence. “Jake. My password is Jake.” Post-innocence. Now the actual elapsed time is much greater than the time the following thought took to evolve, but this type of situation transcends the concept of physical time.

The moment of flattery that never really existed with Fart using my name as his computer password was shattered by the matter-of-factness tone of his voice when saying my name. Had he said, “Jake,” then laughed, it would have been awkward, but somewhat humorous as Fart tends to be. Horrifyingly, he just said it straight-faced and monotone as he continued to preoccupy himself with unnecessary clanging and presumably rub his Ted Kaczynski-esque fuck-pot erection against the counter to the thought of ‘Jake," (me).

Before absolute fright set in, I decided to input jake into the password box to see if he was messin around. He’s known to mess around. j… a… k… e… … *ACCESS DENIED* The sense of relief I felt can only be described as forgetting to buy milk for your cereal then discovering you have JUST enough. So my roomy wasn't insane after all. “Wait...” I told myself in a cynical tone. ‘J’… a… k… e… *ACCESS GRANTED* NOOOOOOOOO!!! Holy Jebus I’m living with a homosexual serial killer. (Like he is the homosexual, but not biased in whom he kills. Not I’m the homosexual and he only kills gay people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Gay people. Not killing gay people. Ugh..nevermind). I began to hyperventilate and was suddenly ass-present.

Ass-present, v. The sudden physical awareness of any possible anal discomfort due to night sexcounters by a crazy roommate utilizing the likes of black-market anesthesia and Sex Jello to fulfill his debaucherous fantasies.

You know it was a pretty rough weekend. My roommate is as nutty as his blog is shitty. My girlfriend cares more about lycopene than me. It’s not even like she has a freakin prostate. Fart’s Spooge left a horrible taste in everyone’s mouth and I’m pretty sure despite my urging of monthly jello socials, I’m abstaining from them for the foreseeable future. I didn’t get any sleep yet again and the Cubs lost. *sigh* Well if they would have played I’m pretty sure they would have lost. Despite all this, it was actually a great weekend, it’s business as usual and per the norm, I’m all smiles.

Perceived Genetic Predisposition within the Construct of Patterned Social Recognition

I have become increasingly interested in the influence of pre-adolescent mental conditioning, specifically how consistent methods of parenting through multiple generations of the same family often manifest apparent inherited characteristics in offspring. My hypothesis is the majority of basic mental states, or deficiencies, are actually ingrained through certain techniques of socialization. What we view as genetic predisposition, in terms of mental state, through familial relation is actually the result of perpetuated parenting styles and not genetic make-up.

What is a genetic predisposition anyway? Basically it is any genetic (inherent) effect that influences our development, biochemical and physiological characteristics. The amazing aspect that the school of genetics concludes is that genetic predisposition can be changed by environmental factors. With that said, I'm halfway to corroborating my thesis already, but the next hurdle is determining strength of influence with respective, compounding generational parenting styles.

Basically it boils down to the nature v nurture quagmire, but if my claim proves true, the implications would be radical in our approach to overcome so-called mental limitations. I doubt I'll be applying for any grants in the hopes of conducting a decade long study, but I will continue to research the topic and hopefully come up with a circumstantial conclusion. I'm soliciting the help of my cousin who is currently studying for her Master's degree in alternative medicine (I think. Something like that). She is writing a paper on the components of western socialization, which she claims is the installation of one fear after another into children. I have not read her paper, but it's not only relevant to my study, it's also incredibly thought provoking. I'm hoping she will allow me to post excerpts or all of the paper upon completion.

From an anecdotal standpoint, I think it's important to acknowledge the malleability of our mind and body. We are not carved from stone.

In Water Writ

In light of the philosophical melodrama of most of my blog posts, I present a dumbed-down manifesto regarding piss and sex jello.

So I’m in my junior year of college (1st junior year that is) and have this crush on an acquaintance of a good friend. At the time, I considered the girl in question to be quite attractive with her smooth, slender body and soft, cute features. What she lacked in size she made up in party-ability though. The moral of liking this chick is perhaps the fine line between free-spirit and sloppy drunk. I could not for the life of me figure out why no one else was after this girl, who we will call Betty from here on out. I’m guessing it had something to do with:

1) Most people knew the true nature of Betty, which I had not yet determined, and
2) I was blinded by my underachieving drunken apathy

Betty and I never dated; in fact we barely even made-out a couple of times. I never confessed my feelings, but I’m pretty sure she knew my interest. Mostly we just drank with mutual friends until Betty invariably got to the point where she would:

A) Get kicked out of a bar for ethanol-induced epileptic-like dance moves that would result in a meeting with the floor
B) Punch a bouncer then the subsequent ejection
C) Walk home with some random guy then the subsequent ejaculation, and
D) Take me home and then the subsequent urino-flatulation

Betty was especially whorish toward me during a particular evening. We were all hanging out at our favorite Mexican Resto/Smoke-Free Dive Bar and of course drinking Boulevard and taking copious amounts of shots because not only were we drunks back then, but the bartenders knew us quite well and gave us ‘discounted rates.’ At this point in my relationship with Betty I was beginning to see her wild side and was losing interest in proportion to her drunken antics. Who am I to judge though? (=young and horny).

Betty and I were pretty fucked up as I was lassoing her steer-like dance movements. Just prior to the inevitable ejection, I managed to hog-tie her gaunt body (resulting from an eating disorder) and walk her home. I was pumped because there was NO WAY I wasn’t going to get laid… right? We’re walking home and as Betty swerves one way; I swerve the other way so if a cop sees us, through an optical illusion it will appear as if we are walking in a straight line (probably similar logic I used in my apparent attraction to Betty). So after two blocks Betty decides she needs to find an alley bathroom. With no regard for decency, she pigeon-toe squats and yanks up her slut-esque skirt revealing her panty-free outfit. Holy high-pressure urethral action… she’s going strong until the gravitational force overcomes her force of static friction against the brick wall and SPLASH!! Ass and skirt in a puddle of watered down piss. Classy.. My respect for her had long disappeared; my respect for myself was dwindling fast. I at least had to make sure she made it home safe though.

We got her home and she told me to lie on her bed. Hmm… sex with pee-butt or self-respect? Betty decided to bathe so I decided it might not be a bad idea to hold my self-respect hostage. As Betty laid her now fresh scented body into bed with me, she almost immediately small-spooned me and passed out. I rolled over on my back and put my hands behind my head as if to relieve some of the self-loathing that stemmed from ever bothering with this girl.

It didn’t even faze me that Betty’s ass was exposed as if telling my leg of the horror to come. As I’m consciously zoned-out, Betty’s ass suddenly (and not all that unexpectedly) blew its top in a raucous, disturbingly shrill, sustained fart. Then, as if my leg and olfactory senses hadn’t had enough, almost exactly in queue behind Betty’s noxious release, she started pissing all over my leg.

“Well Jake,” I told myself aloud, “live and learn buddy.” As I walked home in a thankful dejection, a now partially frozen right leg and a destroyed sex-drive, I realized this was where the rocks fell and I could only go up from here. I approached the dumpster in front of my apartment building and parted with my pants not because I was disgusted, but rather I was being reborn and parting with my old ways. I slowly walked into my building fully clothed and shoed save for my pants. With cold, naked legs, I held my head up high and entered the threshold a new man.

It’s disturbing, but probably funnier to think about all the times I’ve been pissed on. Like the time I woke up in my bed soaking wet being spooned by my muscle-bound, red-headed-ogre of a friend (who was fucking naked by the way..). The next day of his visit I told him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to sleep in my bed. So I arise bright eyed Sunday morning to find the genitals of the red beast stairing deep into my eyes from the floor as that is where hepassed out wearing nothing, but MY winter coat, bordered by a shadow, only it wasn’t a shadow, it was…you guessed it… another god damn piss stain. It’s not a coincidence that this is the same friend who woke up in jail naked after his birthday. Then there was the time I passed out in the middle of my two friends (in my bed again!) and we woke up severely saturated. We reviewed each other’s boxer briefs and it was determined that they BOTH pissed. Then there was the time one of the same friends puked all over my Surficial Hydrology notes, which I continued to use the rest of the year after they dried. I couldn’t really get mad at him though because a while back I had decided to neatly break an estimated twenty beer bottles on his floor because, “he didn’t say I couldn’t.”

Why is this at all relevant? Well it’s not really, but the fact that my roommate decided to, and I quote, “Make 200 jello shots this Saturday,” possibly led to the retrieval of those respective lottery balls. On second thought it is extremely relevant. I invested in a new bed after finally giving up the Piss Bed (coined thanks to my friends overzealous consumption), which I was possibly conceived on. This amazing sleeping apparatus was not cheap!





My orgasmic pillow top bed has an accompanying magical comforter that has an overall symbiotic effect that can probably only be described by the comfort of an un-aborted fetus lying in a womb, or maybe a care-free sleeping kitten. (Did you know sometimes when I'm feeling down I google image search kittens. What?! I don't care what you think. THey're cute.)



I wake up every morning and carefully make her, talk to her in a comforting tone and reassure her that I’ll be home soon. If anyone ever pisses on her…. Oh man I will be so pissed.

Ok back to my roommate. We’ll call my roommate Fart Pennies to protect his anonymity. Fart Pennies’ jello shots are a legend on the north side of Chicago. His jello shots are also known as Fart’s Spooge, Bill Cosby’s, Drunk Snot, Fuck Butter and my personal favorite, Sex Jello. It’s rumored that anyone who consumes Fart Pennies’ Bill Cosby’s will get laid. Below is an image of my London roomate and current Chicago friend, that Jen-girl after she consumed several ounces of Fart's Spooge.



Unfortunately, statistical analyses have already been corrupted by biased methodologies. Regardless of the efficacy behind Fart’s Fuck Butter and sexual encounters, I’m confident that my little Ketchup Whore and I can put a check in the yes column.

So here’s to a piss-free north-side, good roommates, good friends, Fart’s Spooge and beautiful girls who have mashed tomato fetishes.

Jake's Science Theatre 2000 - 1st Installment

If you look on your life at this moment through the eyes of the person you were in a former time, what happens? Do you feel intense gratification and astonishment for experience never thought possible; or, do you feel a foreboding sense of urgency and guilt? Inexplicable situations flash at us more than we will ever know; relentlessly traced by perception’s arrow, haunting us with a Freudian-like regret. This unpreventable aspect of time, which unites us with perceived failure and achievement, tragedy and miracle, exemplifies an often overlooked boundary to our lives. Perhaps a gentle repression is all that we seek.

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Hitchhiking is a common practice in the remote maritime regions of Acadia. More often than not, the seeker is elderly and alone in more respects than just their isolated presence on the road. They tend to haunt the pavement, only manifesting to individuals of belief. Not helping their cause is the illusory sense of floating along the road created by the transfer of energy from my tires to my now deceitful eyes. People in this land are generally sympathetic to the needs of these outsiders, but overlooking is still common practice and reflects more of a desire to avoid inconvenience rather than a lack of trust. Once you see the setting and individual for yourself, it is not a difficult task to divest these previously engrained defense mechanisms. As this came to be, I allowed myself to see through the ghost and identify the old man.

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It has been cold and rainy the last few weeks, yet the highway continues to plague the old man who wears his red flannel and blue workpants regardless of weather conditions. Every time I pass him, his thumb comes out and I catch a glimpse of his grey hair and worn skin. As our relationship dictates, my volume remains unchanged, he continues dispassionately down the road. I have never actually seen him picked up, but with the frequency our path’s cross, I have to believe that not only do the locals help this guy out, but he is also one of those elusive characters every community seems to have. However, where this might benefit such a character by providing a sense of identity and subsequent charity, the old man is only unique to my perception. The reality is I see hitchhikers every day up here. It is a way of life for many locals who have no family and live completely off of government welfare – routine. Yet, where He is one of many, the old man is a singular embodiment of surrendering to life in order to reclaim a sense of freedom from perception.

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As is typical of my post-workout mentality, I stepped out of the gym and cut through the depressed maritime fall with a climactic sense of clarity. Nothing much bothers me in the time adjacent to this feeling, which was perhaps the spark that prompted my meeting with the old man. Like so many times before, it started as blurred redness in the distance and, as it came into focus, I could make out the slight crowning of a head eclipsed by a disproportionately slouched back. You could say my judgment for the apparition increased with our closing distance; I could now attach a fictitious story to the elusive character. Like so many times before, as I approached, the man indicated he would like a ride, I indicated ignorance. Only this time, possibly attributed to my increased levels of dopamine, I slammed on the breaks, pulled over and waited. In my mirror I could see this hunched figure half attempting to run the stiffness out of his obviously worn body. Unfortunately, it was such an unnatural movement – obviously stemming from gratitude - that I could not dissuade a sense of superiority over him.

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The old man climbed in the jeep and thanked me in his out-of-breath French. The contrast he introduced was frightening and did not just result from our physical inconsistencies. It certainly did not help how his sack of apples and three homemade cigarettes sticking out of his shirt pocket stacked up against my ipod, blackberry, running shoes and protein shake. However, it was the implied stories behind his sack of apples and say, my blackberry that presented the disconcerting differences. I felt ashamed, arrogant and gratuitous. He felt tired, relinquished, but thankful for the ride. “Je na parle pa France.” This extent of my second language indicated to the man that I would not understand him from this point forward. Without taking his glassy eyes off the windshield, he pointed in a general direction; I continued without further inquiry....

til next boring time

Are you as smart as a the dumb kid?

...probably not.

Check out this article written by famed war correspondent Chris Hedges. Remember, just because you have some placard from an educational institution citing some academic achievement does not mean you are exempt for the Other America. In fact, disappointingly enough, I know many of you in this category.

The other America, which constitutes the majority, exists in a non-reality-based belief system. This America, dependent on skillfully manipulated images for information, has severed itself from the literate, print-based culture. It cannot differentiate between lies and truth.

Military Falsely Accuses Consultant of Treason

by Rod Bulger

The US Air Force has confirmed reports that one of its southern bases improperly detained a contractor during a routine visit. Military spokesperson, Captain Gina Steelfagina, reported that an environmental consultant contracted by the US Government to perform energy related audits at several of its military facilities in the southeast, was forcibly taken into custody and held without due process for minutes, perhaps even fifteen minutes. Capt. Steelfagina cited a lost camera in a highly classified area as the primary reason for the contractor’s detention. “The military admits full responsibility for the extraneous actions taken by some of its members, but this was a proportionate response in accordance with the Patriot Act,” cites Capt. Steelfagina. When asked to reference specific sections of the Patriot Act that allowed the military to respond in this regard, the Capt. stated, “There is only one section of the Patriot Act. You know, the section that grants us dick power, and I’m not talking Cheney.”

Initial attempts to contact the involved party were not successful. However, the Sun City News Team did receive a return call from the same number. Due to FCC restrictions, the conversation cannot be repeated. What we can tell you is that some of the words included: fecal, fascists, I’m, conspiracy, matter, horny, dude, lawsuit and monkey-shit. However, additional attempts were successful and our own Karen Blondielegsdon’tclose was granted an exclusive interview. Here is a preview:

Karen Blondielegsdon’tclose: Jacko Hart, an environmental consultant from a windy Midwest city, was detained, searched and held without as little as a phone call by the US Military for what he has described as twelve minutes of hell. We’re pleased to have with us today Mr. Hart. Mr. Hart, welcome.

Mr. Hart: Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.........please close your legs.

Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: Hehe, sorry they do that sometimes. Mr. Hart, I know that due to ongoing litigation, you have limits on what you can divulge, but can you describe the incident of November 13, 2008, as you saw it?

Mr. Hart: Well I was down here (Florida) to perform various functions of energy management on several military installations to make recommendations to the US Government in the hopes of cutting energy related costs. Upon entering the room in question - which can only be described as similar to those Hollywood military com’s rooms like that in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory starring Steven Segal - the personnel had to cease operations and turn on screen savers that I found a bit disjointed from known military protocol.




So it was during this routine walkthrough of one of the rather more sensitive rooms, my camera, which had been utilized to document areas of needed improvement, fell through a previously unidentified hole in my bag.

Upon exiting the com’s room and entering a less secure administration area, I discovered that my camera was no longer on my person. I decided to retrace my steps and made my way back to the armed guard securing the highly sensitive area. I politely told the guard who was brandishing an M-16 A2 service rifle and a leg-strapped M9 semi-automatic service pistol that I had inadvertently left my camera in the com’s room. Without acknowledging me, the guard spoke inaudibly into an unseen radio device resulting in electronic locks slamming shut on several doors, a red alarm starting to flash and brusquely escorted me into a windowless room with a six-inch steel door.

Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: This is the beginning of what Mr. Hart calls his personal hell. For the next five, perhaps even up to twelve minutes, Mr. Hart was detained without explanation.

Mr. Hart: The military claims they held me for five minutes before clarifying the situation, but I know how to tell time in a windowless cell without a watch or cell phone and it was at least twelve minutes. Twelve minutes I will never get back. Twelve minutes I won’t be able to watch mind-numbingly poor acting on extended basic cable or twelve minutes I often used to make love to my Turkey Template or twelve minutes to clear my bowels in the morning. Basically, the military is saying, “That’s fine. We don’t mind if Mr. Hart poops his pants tomorrow after his coffee.” Had it not been for the seven minute discrepancy, I would not have pursued legal recourse.

Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: Don’t you think the military acted within its rights to protect information that is ultimately used to serve your wellbeing?

Mr. Hart: Look, my checkered history with the military goes back a long way. Like the time they told me to lie then kicked me out for lying. They’re dicks. Let me clarify though. I initially joined the military for my intense respect I have for veterans; however, that doesn’t mean they aren’t dicks. Yet we have to ask ourselves, do we want pussies protecting us? Hell no! So keep on stickin it to the world, dicks, and keep us safe. Good on you guys. I must also say that it seems our dicks have been pumped up by testosterone-infused imperialism the last few years, so hopefully with a new sheriff in town, we can drain some of the blind power. Unfortunately, since our new sheriff is black, our dicks will probably be bigger and more powerful than ever.

Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: So you admit that the military is and has to be a big dick in order to protect us; yet, if they’re a dick to you, it is unacceptable?

Mr. Hart: No. This is a fight of principle; a war of attrition if you will. The military has lied to me personally on several occasions and all I want is the admission of the seven minute discrepancy.

--------------------------------------------------

To catch the full interview, tune in to our melodramatic news cast, full of plastic hair and bleached teeth, tonight at 7pm.

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Since we initially brought you the story of Jacko Hart, the government contractor detained and falsely accused of treason by the US military, many events have transpired and it seems civilian life has returned to normal for Mr. Hart; at least for now. We caught up with Jacko as he lounged on one of the many white-sand, turquoise water beaches along the gulf coast.

Mr. Hart: As you can see life is pretty good at the moment.

*Crappy local news montage of Mr. Hart performing various activities with an overlain melodramatic voiceover*

Life has appeared to normalize for Mr. Hart since his time spent in what he refers to as his 12-minute-nightmare.

“See that woman right there?” Mr. Hart referring to the good looking middle-aged black woman lounging up the beach. “She totally came up to me after my run and started making conversation. “I’m pretty sure it’s a Stella and Her Groove Getting Back kind of thing, but frankly, I deserve a black chick.”

Since the incident, Mr. Hart has spent much of his time running and lounging on the beach. The military finally admitted to the ‘lost minutes’ of the detention and as reparations, allowed Mr. Hart to view the Blue Angels from a restricted area. When asked what he will do now:

“It has not been an easy recovery. The events of last week have led me to consume large amounts of Cabernet Sauvignon and Pinot Noir. As of now, I’m just trying to forget. I’ve traveled so much this year; I think it’s time for home. It’s paradise down here, but I miss my brisk, windy city.”

For this lonely soul, it appears cold has never looked so warm.

Religion as Art

In my seemingly hopeless crusade to understand who I am, who you are and the countless emotions we evoke within one another, I have arrived at a concrete conclusion. Regardless of whether we are a random collection of molecules or the spawn of a Divine entity, what we perceive as love, contentment, perhaps moments of happiness through infatuation or a sense of hope during moments of despair, are what we all gravitate towards, what we all deserve and what we are all entitled to. That is why when Prop 8 in California passed, hope for our happiness, diluted in a present so saturated in bigotry and ignorance, dissolved that much more.

It's just so amazing to me that an organization that calls itself The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints would devote countless man hours and millions of dollars to prevent the happiness of a single people. The Mormons and other advocates of Prop 8 - under the guise of One Man, One Woman, cite unfounded studies and subjectively interpreted church doctrine to claim homosexual families will undermine cultural heritage and corrupt the foundation of our society. I don't care if you think homosexuality is written in our genetic code or the blasphemous choices heretics, no one has the right to vote against the happiness of anyone. I don't even care if homosexuality was proven to be indirectly detrimental to our culture - it won't, it can't - as long as the actions do not involve the direct harm of others, we should encourage circumstance to promote contentment of ALL peoples.

I find it quite liberating that a twenty-six year old straight man from the land
of God and corn could become an advocate for gay rights. I know my sexuality
was questioned in the now infamous EasyCheese/Nipple-4 Scandal, but
that doesn't bother me and feel free to think what you want.

What drives such blatant hatred for one people? We have seen this so much in the past that it's almost becoming cliche, and what has been the end result of the majority of these situations at least in American history? Well, look at the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's and 70's. Um...we got a black prez! Guess the logical end to the Gay Rights Movement. Um..homosexual marriage. The root cause of this new form of racism is identical to the old form of racism: Fear (after all, fear is the path to the dark side). Fear of change, diversity, progression; arrogance and ego. The Mormons and the other pros of Prop 8 can be described as nothing other than ignorant, whiny children. I have heard countless anecdotes from my mother, father and sister - all elementary school teachers - telling their pupils the virtues of worrying only about thy self.

----------------------------------

One of my philosophical aides has been the injection of ink into the second layer of my skin, or dermis, resulting in now semi-permanent body art. People tend to make a bigger deal of tattoos than they actually are and the primary reason for my body art is a meditation of mortality. An acknowledgement that I am literally a rotting corpse and not special in any sense of the word. The following quote from Chuck Palahniuk sums up the feeling, "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile." Harboring the feeling of my universally generic nature not only creates a sense of urgency to experience, but helps me transcend my ego, value my happiness all that much more, and in turn, truly feel for the happiness of others.

My tattoos are for my own metaphysical liberation. People often ask me for the meaning behind presumably what they view as gaudy body art. I often attempted to muster through an explanation that diminished the strength of these reminders of my relatively imminent demise. Even if my descriptions are clear and concise, they are just words - arbitrary noises assigned to articulate the human experience. Linguistics are frequently misinterpreted, as are my explanations, which often make light of the infinite number of events that have resulted in my current philosophies. These stories I mutter at your request are never not subjectified. They are as much art as the art itself.

Religion can be held in the same light. In the countless world religions, faiths, creation stories, doctrines and laws, there lies intrinsic subjectivity. Bible verses and church sermons get lost in linguistic madness, individual views change to accompany newly discovered inter and intra-faith hypocrisies and metaphysical resignation often occurs at the onset of quality education.

Religion as art is the most compassionate and least paradoxical form of spiritual practice. Any other method runs the all too documented risk of bigotry stemming from ignorance and fear. Movements such as the overtly discriminatory Prop 8, cite Divine doctrine as justification for hatred. I urge all peoples of faith to worship in a metaphorical subtext and take doctrine with a grain of salt.

Look, I will be the first to admit that our shared human experience is far from easy, and if you lack the existential ability to find meaning in struggle, you often resort to faith. I might scoff at the absurdity of religion, but I absolutely do not blame you in your practice to overcome the universal fear of nonexistence. I have just one request: Religion as art.

EVERYONE IN CHICAGO IS GETTING DRUNK AND HAVING SEX TO DEMOCRACY! GOOD FOR THEM.

GOOD FOR ME!

Amidst all the skin and brain eating, we forgot about love

*FYI. i've been really busy lately and wrote this post a week ago,. but never really finished it....thought it should go up before tomorrow*

When I started writing to you, I really did not intend for my blog to be a platform for free-thinking, intelligent, creative (awesome, Pulitzer worthy..whatever) rants about politics and the dangers of religion. I honestly figured I'd just provide re-creations of my debaucherous encounters with syphillic biker chicks, but it is what it is and I write what's in my noggin. With that said, I would like to present you a brief social commentary influenced from navigating the underground networks. I've heard people say that they would rather have an old war veteran and a hockey mom in presidential office than two lawyers any day. *Expletive, expletive, really?! Expletive expletive perpetuation of ignorance.....EXPLETIVE!!*

There is a young woman who has been a friend of mine for the last decade. Her book-smarts have always intimidated me, but have driven me to reevaluate how I approach my own intelligence and educational motivation. As an aside, in high school she use to wear these tight black pants that would magnificently accentuate her ass - accompanied by these amazingly large eyes that are positioned in such a way as to personify beauty and stress an unadulterated kindness - that would often leave me asphyxiated in my pubescent fantasies. My lovely, generous friend has devoted her professional career to a nonprofit educational organization, soliciting funds to advance her cause and education in general. We were having a conscientious conversation - it's impossible not to with her - and she went on her logical rant of why it is so important to donate to educational causes more so than other worthy causes. Since we are both intelligent, rational and not of the journalistic credibility as say, World Net Daily, we were both under the implied understanding that she was not saying don't still adopt the starving African children. Her point was that promoting education is akin to fighting the disease (of humanity) - ignorance. Donating to starving children, the Red Cross or even cancer research, while still very important and worthy causes, is fighting a symptom and will not yield the same benefits over a long enough timeline.

Acceptance, Understanding, Equality ->

Indifference, Intolerance, Injustice ->

Acceptance, Understanding, Equality

I am in danger of becoming a radical in the fight against ignorance. No, I am NOT preaching of the benefits of becoming a far-leftwing sensitive nut job. What would I possibly do without my political incorrectness? I AM, however, speaking of making judgments based on reason. The pardoxical aspect of our intolerance is that we are actually born with an innate sense of Acceptance, Understanding and Equality.

If you think about it, we don’t really have a choice; our survival depends on our open mind. You will never see a consciously racist baby born from a mother and refuses to have anything to do with her based on her race. Our Indifference, Intolerance and Injustice is learned through our indoctrination into society, amongst other ideals and idiosyncrasies. This explains why we often become a mirror image of our parents, perpetuating the same tactics modeled for us from years of conditioning. Generally speaking, do you subscribe to the same politics as your parents; are you of the same faith; do you have the same biases; are you of analogous education?

Therein lies the fundamental problem in navigating to the end of the above paradigm. In order to overcome learned bias and perpetuated ignorance, which we all have regardless of relative societal influence, we are required to transcend our subjectivity through perspective. Circumstance often dictates the extent to which we achieve this objectivity, but ultimately it is your responsibility. That brings us to Ignorance vs. the Ignorant. You often hear the argument from tolerance saying, “Well it’s not their fault. They don’t know any better.” Well I’m here to say that at some point you have to blame the Ignorant and it’s time for some tough love.


*incomplete. missing information and motivation*
Level of education does not always correlate with intelligence or lack of stupidity; however, it does generally correlate to a greater understanding of logical arguments, tolerance and rational behavior. In most instances, level of education can be correlated to intelligence - in terms of critical thinking - using a logarithmic scale.

Education Level - Intelligence Level
High School Diploma.................1
Bachelor's Degree....................10
Master's Degree.....................100
Doctorate...............................1000

As reality indicates, there are always going to be aberrations to the rule and this model is no exception. I had someone tell me the more education they received, the more racist they became. Obviously we need to disregard certain subjects if the above model is to survive, as well as the educated idiot or the pretentious PhD that has become detrimentally single-minded. However, if I am to confidently pick a leader that is not only going to represent me in the world, but hold our collective future in their hand more so than any other person on earth, I want their intelligence level to be between 100-500. I guess you have to make up your own mind, but let's see if this comparison helps (via Pharyngula).

Barack Obama:
Columbia University - B.A.Political Science with a Specialization in International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in History and B.A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.)

VS

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Sarah Palin:
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in Journalism

Yeah I guess you're right cliché dissenting redneck. I always thought Columbia University, Harvard and Syracuse College of Law were pretty suspect in their educational credibility. I too am scared of the impending amoral socialist state brought on by graduates of those institutions. Our only saviors are the war vet and hockey mom.

While conservative irrational fears include such nonsense as an impending fudge-packing Marxist-like state where abortions are so ubiquitous we actually play popgun with pregnant women and shoot each other with feti, liberal fears include the perpetuation of ignorance and intolerance, fear-mongered witch hunts, the Patriot Act, and thinking that can be summed up with this sign:

*incomplete, but the sign i wanted to post was something about how obama is a muslim terrorist who kills babies*

Just remember I love you all. (Well I love some of you, like many of you and just disregard the rest)

Rebuttal to "excellent article"

I was sent the following article from a conservative family member who I respect a great deal. The email subject header read, “excellent article.”

To paraphrase, it focuses on a perceived liberal bias of the media and the double-standard this bias has created specifically between John McCain et al and Barrack Obama et al. First off, it insinuates that Joe Biden’s comment about how the world will test Barrack Obama actually stems from inside information he has obtained from serving on the Foreign Relations Committee about impending international crises.

“Is Russia about to move on the Crimea? Is Israel about to launch air strikes on Iran's nuclear sites? What is Joe talking about?”

“If one assumes Joe is a serious man, we have a right to know.”

A rational person would assume that the author is being facetious, but who knows with the standards of WND, which I will delve into soon. For sake of argument, let us assume they are being literal. Why do we have a right to know? Should we not continue to use the same school-of-thought the Bush administration has implemented over the last eight years? You know, the school-of-thought that dictates honesty and forthrightness and transparency and accountability. Frankly, I don’t understand how the conservatives at WND demand a right to know now, but had no problem being kept in the dark the last eight years. Don’t you think we had a right to know about Bush’s domestic spy program and the complicit telecommunication companies? Don’t you think we had a right to know Bush’s inclination to invade Iraq prior to 9/11/2001? According to former Treasury Secretary O’Neil and several unnamed administration sources, the Bush administration began planning to invade Iraq at its very first National Security Council meeting in January 2001, with the President stating "Go find me a way to do this." Don’t you think we had a right to know about the Bush administration’s blatant disregard for the Geneva Convention in methods of torture, not to mention secret extradition policies in order to torture in locations where the Geneva Convention had not been signed? Not that that even mattered. Don’t you think we had a right to know about the use of Depleted Uranium in Iraq, another violation of the Geneva Convention? Why is it that conservatives demand the right to know now, but not when it has mattered the most in the last eight years?

“Had John McCain made that hair-raising statement, he would have been accused of fear mongering about a new 9/11.”

There’s a credible reason McCain would have been accused of fear mongering. Fear mongering has been a quintensential Republican campaign platform since 2000 and probably before I was old enough to understand these unethical campaign strategies. Win at all costs, right?

Contrasting McCain with his hero, Joe declared a few weeks back, "When the stockmarket crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and ... said, 'Look,here's what happened.'"

Obviously this is a gaff and historically inaccurate.

Can one imagine what the press would have done to Sarah Palin had she exhibited such ignorance of history? Joe gets a pass because everybody likes Joe.

There are two reasons the press would have been all over Palin had she exhibited such ignorance:

1) The level of ignorance she has displayed in interviews since her VP candidacy has been epic. Need we talk about her comments on her foreign policy intelligence as a function of geographic proximity; or perhaps her inability to mention just ONE publication when asked which ones she read. No one can be this fucking stupid. I’m sure it has more to do with McCain campaign strategists puppeting her around than her inability to intellectually combine words to form any type of answers. I mean seriously, no one can be this fucking stupid. Obviously the above is only an anecdotal argument, but it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

2) Palin has been so illusive to the media since McCain chose her as his running mate, in perhaps the most contrived politically motivated move ever, that when she does speak, the press is extremelly interested, but unfortunately for Palin, it's usually nothing of substance.

Oh and 3). I forgot about 3). Sarah Palin has the so few morals that she chose to make an adult movie. If you don't believe me, watch the intro to her latest movie:




There’s a reason everyone likes Joe. He’s pragmatic in his approach to progressive movements such as gay rights, woman’s rights, science education, middle-class support, the environment, etc. He is an outspoken Catholic who is an ardent supporter of secularism and not allowing faith to influence the majority of his decisions. I must point out though that even Obama/Biden are against gay marriage, which I disagree with; however, I have a theory they are just pretending to be Christian for political reasons and are actually Atheists.

The article goes on to say:

Has anyone ever asked Joe about his own and his party's role in cutting off aid to South Vietnam, leading to the greatest strategic defeat in U.S. history and the Cambodian holocaust?

Ok, I’m not sure how the U.S. decision to leave Vietnam led to Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge murder of thousands of Cambodians, but saying Joe was wrong in cutting off aid to end the Vietnam War, come on. Tell that to one of the 68,000 Americans who died, or perhaps the majority of soldiers who came home and eventually protested the war outwardly or inwardly.

What about the article indicating Joe was wrong on the Iraq War? Why is it that the people who are always so in favor of war are the pro-life, right-wing Christians? Does that not piss anyone else off? Does anyone see the hypocrisy here? Why is it that the people who are always so in favor of war are the ones who are not there themselves or willing to send other people, but not their people?

In an earlier post I touched briefly on a concept that perhaps one should not be in favor of a violent cause such as war, unless they themselves are willing go and fight and possibly die for said cause. I can see what the conservatives are saying now, “Oh another liberal oversimplification.” This is typical of similar lectures I receive from conservatives such as, “Wait until you get older; you’ll be a Republican.” Or, “Wait until you have kids; you’ll be a conservative.” I call bullshit to all of those arguments. I am liberal and progressive because like science, there is an intrinsic humility, it allows for and promates change and it admits to the one item that most conservatives resist, and that is that it conforms to the fact that everything in this world has been and will always be in flux.

I disagree with the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars because I don’t think they are winnable. I don’t think they have made us safer and in fact the very opposite. And, while we enjoy our freedom, I do not believe freedom is always ours to give.

The final part of the article is perhaps the single valid point, but does not explain the cause of the circumstance.

Can one imagine "Saturday Night Live" doing weekly send-ups of Michelle Obama and her "I've never been proud" of my country, this "just downright mean"
America, using a black comedienne to mimic and mock her voice and accent?
"Saturday Night Live" would be facing hate-crime charges.

This is definitely something in which I do not identify with left-wing philosophies. I am very into my political incorrectness and think there is a double-standard when it comes to racism. However, we have to ask ourselves why this double-standard exists. Let me list a few cause and effect words: kidnapping, human trade, slavery, selective human breeding, rape, torture, whipping, lynching, underground railroad, forced conscription, nigger, kkk, Jim Crow, 2/3 vote, separate but equal, segregation, and so on. That’s why there’s a god damn double-standard and while I’m not racist, but willing to offend black and white alike, I understand why this double-standard exists. It is reparations I must pay for the utter lack of humanity and ignorance of my ancestors.

Ok enough with content refutation, let’s get to my ad hominem attack. Let me state for the record that this is perhaps the worst article I have read this election season, which is why I don’t read rubbish from bloody absurd sources such as World Net Daily. World Net Daily is a socially conservative publication that draws much influence from and directs most articles to the religious right. I mean right there we can conclude that WND uses logic as a basis for information and not faith, right? Not to mention that common authors for the publication include the likes of Ann Coulter, David Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly. I especially enjoyed the WND article from Anthony LoBaido claiming that 9/11 occurred because of America’s moral depravity and claimed that maybe God had created radical Islam to fight America in this regard.

Let’s hear it for irrational faith-based rhetoric.

She's Gone from Suck to Blow (Spaceballs)

Did you know that you don't get sucked out of a spaceship, you get blown out of a spaceship?

This is something we should all be aware of during the inevitable mass exodus to Mars if the religious right continue their reign of intolerance.


via Bad Astronomer

Ignorance Incarnate

Ohh small-town America, why must ye continue to reinforce correlation and causation between population density -> never leaving the farm -> religion -> ignorance?

New McCarthyism

Michelle Bachman, Republican Representative from Minnesota, calls for an inquiry to discover anti-Americans in congress in what is frightingly similar to McCarthy era witch hunts.

Whiskey and Aspartame Digressions

Do not drink and post…. o r s h o u l d I ???

Through my disparate thoughting, I’ve discovered the only time I’m creatively juiced is following 32 cups of coffee, 14 beers and/or seven omegendorphs. It’s actually quite upsetting because I’m without a doubt my own worst enemy, yet when I go back and read my material I tend to impress myself with a too often repressed ability to arrange text into coherent, perhaps clever formulations. Not necessarily clever to you, but clever to my own worst enemy. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Awakened” with Robbin Williams, you might understand how I feel. Actually my whole life kinda seems like that movie.

So I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop on my lap’s top, Alexander Keith is resting up against my hip, my feet propped on a coffee table cluttered with stained wine glasses, beer bottles, cell phones, wallet, calling card, some loonies and toonies; looking through the 6x15 ft living room window out through the struggling pine trees to the flowing lunar reflection. I have to piss, but of course my urinary lethargy will outweigh my bladder pangs until my protruding abdomen effects my liquid crystal display location. (What an absurd sentence). This study is indicative of my perceived intelligence: Daniel Oppenheimer of Princeton University: "Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly."

Without a doubt, this is a place I will most likely miss only once that whole idea of hindsight presents itself. Despite the utter boredom on my 3.5 days off per week, French-Canadian living has not been without great stories and positive changes. Actually this may be going a bit too far so let me retract and rearticulate. In the combined 4.5 months in Canada this year, I’ve done some new stuff, like:

*Tim Horton’s – The Canadian equivalent of Dunkin Doughnuts, yet where America might run on Dunkin, Canada has placed Timmy’s on the top of their food pyramid. Tim Horton’s, appropriately named after the Canadian hockey player, Tim Horton, is a – if not thee – Canadian institution. Without fail, there will be a line of cars in the Tim Horton’s drive through at 9pm. Are these people drinking coffee? The running joke about Timmy’s coffee is that it is so strong, many people believe they add a small dosage of heroin to each cup. Similar to Lay’s Wow Chips containing Olean and the actual warnings of anal leakage, Tim Horton’s coffee cups contain the following warning: *The contents may be very hot. The contents my cause sphincter dilation* It is not a non sequitur that Tim Horton’s, with the federally allowed maximum dosage of caffeine in each cup of coffee, also has the most disturbingly poopy bathrooms.

*Hockey and Molson – That’s right, much to the chagrin of my countless friends enjoying Iowa football today and watching college football and MLB Playoffs throughout the week, I drink Molson Canadian and watch NHL Hockey; my new team….Detroit Redwings. More out of desperation than personal preference, actually completely out of desperation, many nights throughout the week consist of watching hockey and drinking either the previously mentioned beer, Labatt Blue, Alexander Keith’s, Moosehead or Alpine. Hockey gets a bad wrap, especially in the Midwest, and stems from ignorance and an inability to appreciate the game as a result of never playing the game. We all know how much I enjoy being different just for the sake of being different, so upon my return to the US, much to the chagrin of my football, baseball and basketball loving friends, I will watch hockey.

*Misc – Lobster footlong from Subway. Boiled alive my first Lobster. Cooked my first Turkey.





It was beautiful, but too dry. Picked up my first hitchhiker, which I will elaborate on in my next post. Saw my first moose. Still haven’t seen my first bear. Debated my first Mormon. Did you know Mormons were not allowed to consume caffeine until the Mormon Church bought shares in Coca-Cola? Anyone else see the hypocrisy there? Saw my first bomb. Got hooked on Vanilla Silk; seriously, it’s so much better than cow juice. Got my third and largest tattoo. Used military-grade GPS equipment not yet available to civilians. Started drinking instant coffee. Unwillingly became celibate. Fell in love with three lesbians, two of which are twin singers, the other a political commentator. Completely filled my 30 gig iPod and 40 gig computer. No Fix, not with what you think, mostly mp3s, audiobooks, southpark and battlestar. Flew on my first prop. Smoked my first Cuban cigar. Kinda gross actually. Drank at my first bootlegger. Solidified my atheism.

I recently had someone very close to me say that they are worried that my deep-thinking will prevent happiness. This person, who I love unequivocally, equated a lack of spiritual faith with unhappiness and absence of a meaningful existence. This person also said they prayed for me and prayed that there is an afterlife. I found this quite peculiar especially since the presence of an afterlife is independent of willing said afterlife. Right? I mean it only makes sense that praying for an afterlife is not going to manifest an actual afterlife, rather an afterlife either exists or it doesn’t. My consciousness will either continue after physical death or it won’t, regardless of my belief.

I hope that there is some form of continuation, but I have absolutely no faith in the idea. The concept of an afterlife without one single piece of concrete evidence – faith – contradicts everything we have worked for and established in our modern civilization including our justice system, technological advances, modern medicine and so on. Any time you talk on your cell phone, watch your flat screen, take your antibiotic, you hurt what little evidence you have for a validated faith and move toward a faith based on nothing more than a deep longing. Every time you use a computer, the internet, a car, electricity, drink a diet coke or a decaf coffee, you are acknowledging the credibility behind the scientific method.

Faith is absurd. I’m not using this in an insulting capacity by any means, but relative to the airplane you travel on, the lawnmower that cuts your grass or the shampoo that strengthens your hair, faith contradicts everything we know and have proven of our reality. I truly hope one day science proves an afterlife; however, it will definitely not be proven through the conclusion-shaping-evidence theory of Intelligent Design or through a historical, subjective text. Ergo, your faith is what it is. It is believing in something with absolutely no evidence. With that said, I don’t mind people close to me having faith to help with the disparities of life and I often envy the ability to believe in something more. However, don’t tell me I’m going to hell for favoring abortion. Don’t push crazy theories to be taught alongside substantiated science in schools. Don’t claim natural disasters are acts of vengeful gods. Don’t use the absurdities of faith to shape your views of politics and foreign policies. Don’t get excited over conflict in the Middle East because in the infinite number of interpretations that can be formulated, you choose the one that coincides with the rapture and Revelations.

Remember the Simpson’s episode where Homer removes the crayon from his nose and suddenly becomes a genius. Homer’s newfound intellect allows him to prove that God does not exist. Well Flanders, the devout Christian, happens upon the proof, takes a look and says, “Whoops, better get rid of this.” He burns it and continues to church. What would you do if you knew without a doubt there was no God? What would you do if you knew without a doubt there is a God? What would you do if you knew without a doubt there is a God and everyone who has ever existed including Mao Tse Tung, Me, homosexual Catholic Priests who molest little boys, you, Pat Robertson, Keith Olberman, George W. Bush, Ted Haggard and even Hitler, were allowed into Heaven? It’s amazing what we don’t know yet assume to know. It’s amazing what we don’t know today yet will know tomorrow.

Did you know that you can actually catch a fart and place it on someone's face? Did you know that the pharmaceutical industry actually spends more on marketing than research and development? Did you know that one time I was so drunk and horny I passed out jerking off and woke up dick-in-hand? Did you know that many intellectuals and insiders such as Bob Woodward attribute the drop in Iraqi violence not to the troop surge as the current administration suggests, but due to new clandestine tactics? Did you know that it doesn't take a genius to get a bachelor's degree, master's degree or even a PhD and become an educated idiot and endorse a topic such as the scientifically unverifiable Intelligent Design theory and that there is even a PhD by the name of Gerardus D. Bouw that is a Geocentrist? Did you know Sarah Palin has stated on numerous occasions that abortion of any type, even due to rape and incest, should be illegal? Did you know that due to uncontrollable, intense urethral contractions, inadvertently projecting ejaculate on your face is deeply disturbing, yet quite impressive? Did you know what you know today might not be what you knew yesterday and what you know tomorrow might not be what you knew today?

You know, whether or not my consciousness continues after physical life is neither here nor there. If my consciousness continues, cool. If my consciousness does not continue, well guess what, I won’t be conscious to realize how much it sucks. So I digress. It’s obvious that my lack of faith is eternally detrimental to my existence.

The Word of Whiskey and Aspartame Digressions

Sarah Palin: Admitted Pro-Life Extremist

This is an intriguing advertisement that, to the best of my knowledge, aired shortly after the debate last night in the DC area.



via dailykos

Seriously, This Chick Is Awesome

Let's smoke some pot...or at least legalize it for those who want to



gogreen18

New Spokesperson for Atheists

Check out Laci, atheism's newly proclaimed liaison to the masses. Well, my newly proclaimed atheist goddess.

I couldn't put it more eloquently. I couldn't look that good if I tried .


via Phyrangula

Butt-Licker Awards

*music intro* *groovin baseline* ....."I say the hip, hop, hippin to the hippin to the hip hip hop you don't stop rockin to the bang, bang a boogity de bang bang banganbasdbasldbas.......

A chilly greetings to the internet world this Canadian morning!!! Only seven working days left in this hidden little third-world barely surviving off the Canuck version of welfare and unemployment. Think you have it bad back home with the fear-mongered (probably justifiably so) economic crisis? Well you should jet-plane up yonder and soak in the true meaning of financially destitute. Like many impoverished places around the world, lifestyles are simplistic and happiness is often independent of/and perpetuated through the detachment of material wealth. Just like the everyday douche bag stumbling through life, people gravitate to the path of least resistance, across the concentration gradient of sadness to happiness. Whether or not a chosen lifestyle is deliberate or not is beside the point that when fewer factors are introduced, a conscious significance can be grasped with relative ease.

You ask any cultural anthropologist and I'm confident they will completely agree with me. I'm also confident 99% of you don't know a cultural anthropologist to corroborate my claim and the other 1% of you who do know a cultural anthropologist are probably too pretentious to give my kick ass blog credibility anyway. It doesn't take much thought or research though to make similar deductions. You can even do it from your couch. (Directed at some of my friends). Just look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Given that Maslow's theories are not chalked up as the disparate thoughts of another educated idiot, we can conclude that the introduction of material wealth, or the intentional seeking of said wealth, will prevent us from ascending the triangular order. In accordance with the hierarchy, as long as material wealth is sufficient to sustain basal needs, its presence is not required and clearly detrimental to self-development. Perhaps an academic oversimplification, but all you have to do is look at the relative happiness of third-world cultures in the absence of material wealth and you will see the correlation with the mighty triangle.

Why does this piss me off? Well it's taken me most of my years to identify the inherent self-deluded elements of mass-consumerism, which is the first step to strip the bounds that prevent an expedited triangular ascension. Yet instead of identifying areas of improvement, I choose to ignore this small enlightenment and consciously perpetuate this way of life. Without attempting to further explain the psychology of this decision making -- too lazy and ignorant, but mostly too lazy -- let’s get to the first Butt-Licker Award.


...and the first ME!!!

Moving on. The next

OPRAH and the other Self-Righteous Assholes!!

Oprah Winfrey is a perfect example of a runaway ego inflated by the listless housewife and the inherent self-righteousness that follows great wealth. Truly unfortunate is the state of our vicarious desires through fame, which undoubtedly leads to liberal self-righteous douchery. Until something catastrophic occurs in our country, we will continue to have apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese children who have no concerns other than fulfilling their next instant self-gratification. These apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese children grow and turn into apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese teenagers and eventually apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese young adults who DO NOT VOTE!!! That’s why when I saw this video on the YouTubes, it just further reinforced my views of ultra liberal demigod douche bags.

On the surface, one sees what appear to be several fresh-faced, socially active celebrities speaking in the language of youth – sarcastic irony – and urging young people to vote. This was truly a beautiful site. These people who appear to have it made both financially and spiritually are trying to reach out to the young apathetics who don’t invest much thought in current events. Through often humorous and witty irony, they stressed that we really should care about issues like genocide, racism, war, poverty, etc. I praised Jesus for giving me the benefit of this video because if it weren’t for these socially-aware celebs, well goodness I wouldn’t have known about these issues.

What a God-Damn joke direct from the capitol of Cloud-City itself. It doesn’t take a genius to see the transparency of this junk and frankly, if you weren’t as fucking insulted as I was after wasting time on this, go lick your own ass. If you didn’t feel patronized by this video, I’m guessing you are apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese. Unfortunately we have created these unconscious demigods whose lifestyle is again so inherently out of touch with the average citizen that they have no business lecturing us on why we should vote. It’s not the fact that these douche bag celebrities are trying to make a positive difference. I mean look at Bono. King of all self-righteous king douche bags, yet he has undoubtedly made a net positive difference in Africa. Self-righteousness is the price he has to pay for the fame we provided if he wants to make a difference in the world. However, this joke of a social outreach video has two aspects that led to the awarding of a Butt-Licker:

1) The primary source of disrespect came from the passive-aggressive approach in presenting their thesis. For you apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese, the thesis was NOT go out and vote. The thesis WAS go out and vote for Obama. Ok I’ll be the first to admit that I’m liberal on most issues and I’ll admit that I already voted (absentee) for Obama. That’s not the point. The point is that these cash-chuckers are lying right to our face! It’s subtle – only if you’re ignorant – propaganda that happens to favor something I believe in, but so full of shit that I just can’t keep quiet.

2) These butt holes are directing their fresh-scented poo to two classes of people. The first class is the apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese. The second class is the citizen that has felt so oppressed and weakened by policies that seem to favor one social class and one race, they have adopted the inevitable defeatist attitude. If the former class votes at all, they will most likely vote just like Mommy and Daddy – the people who provided this lackadaisical indoctrination – and often times perpetuate these oppressive policies. So really the douchey celebs are directing their empty propaganda solely toward the latter. Que hilarity. These celebrities really think that people who feel so powerless from years of struggle through capitalism, racism, social bigotry, that they are going to listen to a bunch of pretentious fuckers purge their ultra-liberal rhetoric?

Back to Oprah. I’m sure Oprah has made some positive impact in all of her capitalist hording. She’s even recommended some great books that I allowed myself to read thanks to the weak adhesive holding her Book Club sticker on the cover. Oprah does not get the Butt-Licker because of some underlying psychological reason for philanthropic efforts or the ensuing wave of ego inflation. The well-deserved Butt-Licker is being awarded to Oprah due to her resonating perpetuation of self-proclaimed spiritual advisors. Oprah has used her platform to endorse such new-age spiritualists as Kelly Freston, former model and self-help author, Ronda Byrne, author of the Secret, and Eckart Tolle, author of A New Earth.

Without getting too bogged down with the often absurd details of this new-age spiritualism, it’s a lot of unsubstantiated claims and faith-based rhetoric. If you are capable of faith – believing in something without evidence, which I am not – then great, you should check out some of this stuff because it will more than likely help. Many of these new teachings do make valid arguments, such as the power of positive thought. However, a book like The Secret makes huge (faith-based) inferences about current scientific awareness (quantum mechanics) and the universe (our thoughts) at large. Oh and lets not forget to mention it also claims that the Jews were slaughtered during the holocaust because of their thoughts! If you don’t believe me, read it!

Tolle’s A New Earth, while making several claims on faith, is actually rooted in new metaphysical perspectives on psychology. Actually, Tolle’s teachings parallels Zen Buddhism, which despite supernatural components, has very credible results on the mind as discovered through advances in MRI technology.

Regardless of physiological efficacy of this new age spiritualism, the placebo effect is very powerful on the mind and hey, if it works for you then great. Just be absolutely aware that these so-called spiritual advisors are raking in literal millions upon millions of your dollars. Even Eckart Tolle, perhaps the most credible among the lot, is a multi-millionaire. Does anyone else see a conflict of interest between spirituality and cash?!?! How the fuck can you trust the likes of a Ronda Byrne to guide you through the spiritual ether if her financial agenda, whether intentional or not, far outweighs any other agenda? In terms of spirituality, you should not trust ANYONE who consorts with capitalism!!!

Here is a great article on Oprah and The Secret. http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/03/05/the_secret/
There will be many more Butt-Licker recipients because we all know there are many more Butt-Lickers out there. Before I leave, let me just point out that I don’t blame celebrities for being self-righteous douche bags by accepting our money then telling us how to live our lives. We all have to justify our existence in one way or the other, and when you live as empty a life as most of these people – in terms of Maslow’s Theory – you’d probably do the same thing. Hell I’d probably do the same thing had I been dealt a similar hand, but I wasn’t, they were. I’m not a self-righteous douche bag, they are.

With all that said. My ultimate goal is to win the powerball and become a rich, white, ultra-conservative, religious republican and continue to perpetuate the oppression of poor minorities in order to live in an illusory sense of happiness provided by private jet excursions, Ted Haggard-esque men’s restroom blow jobs, N.I.M.B.Y. and of course jerking off to Jesus because I really, really……..really really really love him.

Black Like….Amy Winehouse? What?!

Is it possible to inject further sexual ambiguity in my life this Halloween?

Can you guess which one is me?

Oh without a frickin doubt! Modeled after Caucasian journalist/author John Howard Griffin’s social experiment detailed in his 1961 piece Black Like Me, my 2007 work titled, Slut Like Me or Tranny Like Me: What a Joke of an Excuse to be Gay for a Night *he HE* (Wow, that High-Pitched Giggle was a Double Entendre), set out to determine if a self-hating straight man could ascertain a first-hand perspective of the discrimination experienced by dirty whores and transsexuals *pause* or dirty whore transsexuals. Unfortunately, as of yet, no major publications have accepted my study.

In order to divest myself from socially ingrained heterosexual idiosyncrasies, I began haunting the London night to give blow jobs in dodgy neighborhoods….............................................*bet you're nervous*................................. ok that’s not entirely accurate. Actually that Jen-girl dressed up as a man and I documented her dodgy-alley blow jobs. What a sacrifice in the name of social science. *shhhhhhh* Just between me and you I think she had done this before. In all honesty, if my sexual orientation called for laying pipe with the plumber or grooving with that luscious lookin Oak Tree in my backyard, as long as it doesn’t adversely affect the receiver (ok really, really bad choice of words there), you better believe I’m going to partake regardless of stigmatic severity.

After preliminary research was complete, it was time to get into my physical character. With the help of my two roommates, Jean and that Jen-girl, various make-ups were applied; my back was shaved (thanks Jen-girl) to introduce contrast to my man-animal-like chest; a rather small halter top was Hulked on; some rather small capris were strategically zipped up exposing a genital silhouette that gave new meaning to junk in the trunk; and finally the life-blood of my character was placed ever so gently on my noggin in a ceremonial manner that is rivaled only by the dawning of Darth Vader’s mask.

THE ANDROGYNOUS WHORE WAS BORN

Due to my extreme dedication to character and study alike, I got way too fucking drunk and had to interpolate most of my data around three distinct events. Unfortunately my colleagues found this interpolation a blatant attempt to falsify data and blacklisted me from the scientific community. The Androgynous Whore was bitched slapped from every major relevant publication including Nature, Scientific America and BIcurious Biweekly.

Are you wondering what these three distinct events were? Well here they are listed in chronological order.

Distinct Event #1
The Androgynous Whore made out with Daphne from Scooby Doo. I’m not sure what sparked this event, but knew it could only be of utmost importance to my scientific investigation.

Distinct Event #2
Have you ever been propositioned by a lesbian to partake in a threesome with me, shit, I mean you and another heterosexual girl who would only partake if I, shit, I mean you would partake because this horny lesbian really wanted to get with this heterosexual girl? Complex sexual dynamics can only begin to describe that scenario.

Distinct Event #3
At some point in the morning, being guided only by my unconscious self, hair askew with now several protruding bald spots, lipstick smeared all over my face with smearage being a function of my debauchery, an alcohol stained halter top, asphyxiated genitals and with one remaining sandal, The Androgynous Whore ventured out into the London night in search of home. Now barefoot from snapping my remaining foot protection five steps into the journey, The Whore did what she did on her way to the study location earlier in the night. She cocked her wrists, jutted her chest and shook those hips like she had flaming rainbow propellant gushing out her ass. You might think the study reached a climax during Distinct Event #1 or Distinct Event #2, but it actually came a block from home when The Whore passed a group of night people, one of whom yelled, “Fag!” At last, success!! My goal was to experience discrimination and alas, discrimination.

The question that remains, from analysis of failure points and with new protocols, should I perform an analogous study this year? The chances – if only for morale purposes in an attempt to reverse French-Canadian brainwashing – are very good. My plan of action has not yet been finalized, but let me give you an intro into Slut/Gay Study ’08. As of now, my flight home is October 31st, aka Halloween. I know of at least one Halloween party. I have not drank since Labor Day weekend. This may produce a literal all-day bender on Fri, Oct 31st, starting before my flight, resulting in getting dressed up for my flight and carrying these activities long into the night. I mean it only makes sense and in the name of science, what could possibly go wrong?