Through my disparate thoughting, I’ve discovered the only time I’m creatively juiced is following 32 cups of coffee, 14 beers and/or seven omegendorphs. It’s actually quite upsetting because I’m without a doubt my own worst enemy, yet when I go back and read my material I tend to impress myself with a too often repressed ability to arrange text into coherent, perhaps clever formulations. Not necessarily clever to you, but clever to my own worst enemy. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Awakened” with Robbin Williams, you might understand how I feel. Actually my whole life kinda seems like that movie.
So I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop on my lap’s top, Alexander Keith is resting up against my hip, my feet propped on a coffee table cluttered with stained wine glasses, beer bottles, cell phones, wallet, calling card, some loonies and toonies; looking through the 6x15 ft living room window out through the struggling pine trees to the flowing lunar reflection. I have to piss, but of course my urinary lethargy will outweigh my bladder pangs until my protruding abdomen effects my liquid crystal display location. (What an absurd sentence). This study is indicative of my perceived intelligence: Daniel Oppenheimer of Princeton University: "Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly."
Without a doubt, this is a place I will most likely miss only once that whole idea of hindsight presents itself. Despite the utter boredom on my 3.5 days off per week, French-Canadian living has not been without great stories and positive changes. Actually this may be going a bit too far so let me retract and rearticulate. In the combined 4.5 months in Canada this year, I’ve done some new stuff, like:
*Tim Horton’s – The Canadian equivalent of Dunkin Doughnuts, yet where America might run on Dunkin, Canada has placed Timmy’s on the top of their food pyramid. Tim Horton’s, appropriately named after the Canadian hockey player, Tim Horton, is a – if not thee – Canadian institution. Without fail, there will be a line of cars in the Tim Horton’s drive through at 9pm. Are these people drinking coffee? The running joke about Timmy’s coffee is that it is so strong, many people believe they add a small dosage of heroin to each cup. Similar to Lay’s Wow Chips containing Olean and the actual warnings of anal leakage, Tim Horton’s coffee cups contain the following warning: *The contents may be very hot. The contents my cause sphincter dilation* It is not a non sequitur that Tim Horton’s, with the federally allowed maximum dosage of caffeine in each cup of coffee, also has the most disturbingly poopy bathrooms.
*Hockey and Molson – That’s right, much to the chagrin of my countless friends enjoying Iowa football today and watching college football and MLB Playoffs throughout the week, I drink Molson Canadian and watch NHL Hockey; my new team….Detroit Redwings. More out of desperation than personal preference, actually completely out of desperation, many nights throughout the week consist of watching hockey and drinking either the previously mentioned beer, Labatt Blue, Alexander Keith’s, Moosehead or Alpine. Hockey gets a bad wrap, especially in the Midwest, and stems from ignorance and an inability to appreciate the game as a result of never playing the game. We all know how much I enjoy being different just for the sake of being different, so upon my return to the US, much to the chagrin of my football, baseball and basketball loving friends, I will watch hockey.
*Misc – Lobster footlong from Subway. Boiled alive my first Lobster. Cooked my first Turkey.
It was beautiful, but too dry. Picked up my first hitchhiker, which I will elaborate on in my next post. Saw my first moose. Still haven’t seen my first bear. Debated my first Mormon. Did you know Mormons were not allowed to consume caffeine until the Mormon Church bought shares in Coca-Cola? Anyone else see the hypocrisy there? Saw my first bomb. Got hooked on Vanilla Silk; seriously, it’s so much better than cow juice. Got my third and largest tattoo. Used military-grade GPS equipment not yet available to civilians. Started drinking instant coffee. Unwillingly became celibate. Fell in love with three lesbians, two of which are twin singers, the other a political commentator. Completely filled my 30 gig iPod and 40 gig computer. No Fix, not with what you think, mostly mp3s, audiobooks, southpark and battlestar. Flew on my first prop. Smoked my first Cuban cigar. Kinda gross actually. Drank at my first bootlegger. Solidified my atheism.
I recently had someone very close to me say that they are worried that my deep-thinking will prevent happiness. This person, who I love unequivocally, equated a lack of spiritual faith with unhappiness and absence of a meaningful existence. This person also said they prayed for me and prayed that there is an afterlife. I found this quite peculiar especially since the presence of an afterlife is independent of willing said afterlife. Right? I mean it only makes sense that praying for an afterlife is not going to manifest an actual afterlife, rather an afterlife either exists or it doesn’t. My consciousness will either continue after physical death or it won’t, regardless of my belief.
I hope that there is some form of continuation, but I have absolutely no faith in the idea. The concept of an afterlife without one single piece of concrete evidence – faith – contradicts everything we have worked for and established in our modern civilization including our justice system, technological advances, modern medicine and so on. Any time you talk on your cell phone, watch your flat screen, take your antibiotic, you hurt what little evidence you have for a validated faith and move toward a faith based on nothing more than a deep longing. Every time you use a computer, the internet, a car, electricity, drink a diet coke or a decaf coffee, you are acknowledging the credibility behind the scientific method.
Faith is absurd. I’m not using this in an insulting capacity by any means, but relative to the airplane you travel on, the lawnmower that cuts your grass or the shampoo that strengthens your hair, faith contradicts everything we know and have proven of our reality. I truly hope one day science proves an afterlife; however, it will definitely not be proven through the conclusion-shaping-evidence theory of Intelligent Design or through a historical, subjective text. Ergo, your faith is what it is. It is believing in something with absolutely no evidence. With that said, I don’t mind people close to me having faith to help with the disparities of life and I often envy the ability to believe in something more. However, don’t tell me I’m going to hell for favoring abortion. Don’t push crazy theories to be taught alongside substantiated science in schools. Don’t claim natural disasters are acts of vengeful gods. Don’t use the absurdities of faith to shape your views of politics and foreign policies. Don’t get excited over conflict in the Middle East because in the infinite number of interpretations that can be formulated, you choose the one that coincides with the rapture and Revelations.
Remember the Simpson’s episode where Homer removes the crayon from his nose and suddenly becomes a genius. Homer’s newfound intellect allows him to prove that God does not exist. Well Flanders, the devout Christian, happens upon the proof, takes a look and says, “Whoops, better get rid of this.” He burns it and continues to church. What would you do if you knew without a doubt there was no God? What would you do if you knew without a doubt there is a God? What would you do if you knew without a doubt there is a God and everyone who has ever existed including Mao Tse Tung, Me, homosexual Catholic Priests who molest little boys, you, Pat Robertson, Keith Olberman, George W. Bush, Ted Haggard and even Hitler, were allowed into Heaven? It’s amazing what we don’t know yet assume to know. It’s amazing what we don’t know today yet will know tomorrow.
Did you know that you can actually catch a fart and place it on someone's face? Did you know that the pharmaceutical industry actually spends more on marketing than research and development? Did you know that one time I was so drunk and horny I passed out jerking off and woke up dick-in-hand? Did you know that many intellectuals and insiders such as Bob Woodward attribute the drop in Iraqi violence not to the troop surge as the current administration suggests, but due to new clandestine tactics? Did you know that it doesn't take a genius to get a bachelor's degree, master's degree or even a PhD and become an educated idiot and endorse a topic such as the scientifically unverifiable Intelligent Design theory and that there is even a PhD by the name of Gerardus D. Bouw that is a Geocentrist? Did you know Sarah Palin has stated on numerous occasions that abortion of any type, even due to rape and incest, should be illegal? Did you know that due to uncontrollable, intense urethral contractions, inadvertently projecting ejaculate on your face is deeply disturbing, yet quite impressive? Did you know what you know today might not be what you knew yesterday and what you know tomorrow might not be what you knew today?
You know, whether or not my consciousness continues after physical life is neither here nor there. If my consciousness continues, cool. If my consciousness does not continue, well guess what, I won’t be conscious to realize how much it sucks. So I digress. It’s obvious that my lack of faith is eternally detrimental to my existence.
The Word of Whiskey and Aspartame Digressions
