A chilly greetings to the internet world this Canadian morning!!! Only seven working days left in this hidden little third-world barely surviving off the Canuck version of welfare and unemployment. Think you have it bad back home with the fear-mongered (probably justifiably so) economic crisis? Well you should jet-plane up yonder and soak in the true meaning of financially destitute. Like many impoverished places around the world, lifestyles are simplistic and happiness is often independent of/and perpetuated through the detachment of material wealth. Just like the everyday douche bag stumbling through life, people gravitate to the path of least resistance, across the concentration gradient of sadness to happiness. Whether or not a chosen lifestyle is deliberate or not is beside the point that when fewer factors are introduced, a conscious significance can be grasped with relative ease.
You ask any cultural anthropologist and I'm confident they will completely agree with me. I'm also confident 99% of you don't know a cultural anthropologist to corroborate my claim and the other 1% of you who do know a cultural anthropologist are probably too pretentious to give my kick ass blog credibility anyway. It doesn't take much thought or research though to make similar deductions. You can even do it from your couch. (Directed at some of my friends). Just look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Given that Maslow's theories are not chalked up as the disparate thoughts of another educated idiot, we can conclude that the introduction of material wealth, or the intentional seeking of said wealth, will prevent us from ascending the triangular order. In accordance with the hierarchy, as long as material wealth is sufficient to sustain basal needs, its presence is not required and clearly detrimental to self-development. Perhaps an academic oversimplification, but all you have to do is look at the relative happiness of third-world cultures in the absence of material wealth and you will see the correlation with the mighty triangle.
Why does this piss me off? Well it's taken me most of my years to identify the inherent self-deluded elements of mass-consumerism, which is the first step to strip the bounds that prevent an expedited triangular ascension. Yet instead of identifying areas of improvement, I choose to ignore this small enlightenment and consciously perpetuate this way of life. Without attempting to further explain the psychology of this decision making -- too lazy and ignorant, but mostly too lazy -- let’s get to the first Butt-Licker Award.
...and the first 
ME!!!
Moving on. The next
OPRAH and the other Self-Righteous Assholes!!
Oprah Winfrey is a perfect example of a runaway ego inflated by the listless housewife and the inherent self-righteousness that follows great wealth. Truly unfortunate is the state of our vicarious desires through fame, which undoubtedly leads to liberal self-righteous douchery. Until something catastrophic occurs in our country, we will continue to have apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese children who have no concerns other than fulfilling their next instant self-gratification. These apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese children grow and turn into apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese teenagers and eventually apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese young adults who DO NOT VOTE!!! That’s why when I saw this video on the YouTubes, it just further reinforced my views of ultra liberal demigod douche bags.
On the surface, one sees what appear to be several fresh-faced, socially active celebrities speaking in the language of youth – sarcastic irony – and urging young people to vote. This was truly a beautiful site. These people who appear to have it made both financially and spiritually are trying to reach out to the young apathetics who don’t invest much thought in current events. Through often humorous and witty irony, they stressed that we really should care about issues like genocide, racism, war, poverty, etc. I praised Jesus for giving me the benefit of this video because if it weren’t for these socially-aware celebs, well goodness I wouldn’t have known about these issues.
What a God-Damn joke direct from the capitol of Cloud-City itself. It doesn’t take a genius to see the transparency of this junk and frankly, if you weren’t as fucking insulted as I was after wasting time on this, go lick your own ass. If you didn’t feel patronized by this video, I’m guessing you are apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese. Unfortunately we have created these unconscious demigods whose lifestyle is again so inherently out of touch with the average citizen that they have no business lecturing us on why we should vote. It’s not the fact that these douche bag celebrities are trying to make a positive difference. I mean look at Bono. King of all self-righteous king douche bags, yet he has undoubtedly made a net positive difference in Africa. Self-righteousness is the price he has to pay for the fame we provided if he wants to make a difference in the world. However, this joke of a social outreach video has two aspects that led to the awarding of a Butt-Licker:
1) The primary source of disrespect came from the passive-aggressive approach in presenting their thesis. For you apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese, the thesis was NOT go out and vote. The thesis WAS go out and vote for Obama. Ok I’ll be the first to admit that I’m liberal on most issues and I’ll admit that I already voted (absentee) for Obama. That’s not the point. The point is that these cash-chuckers are lying right to our face! It’s subtle – only if you’re ignorant – propaganda that happens to favor something I believe in, but so full of shit that I just can’t keep quiet.
2) These butt holes are directing their fresh-scented poo to two classes of people. The first class is the apathetic, superficial, ignorant and often obese. The second class is the citizen that has felt so oppressed and weakened by policies that seem to favor one social class and one race, they have adopted the inevitable defeatist attitude. If the former class votes at all, they will most likely vote just like Mommy and Daddy – the people who provided this lackadaisical indoctrination – and often times perpetuate these oppressive policies. So really the douchey celebs are directing their empty propaganda solely toward the latter. Que hilarity. These celebrities really think that people who feel so powerless from years of struggle through capitalism, racism, social bigotry, that they are going to listen to a bunch of pretentious fuckers purge their ultra-liberal rhetoric?
Back to Oprah. I’m sure Oprah has made some positive impact in all of her capitalist hording. She’s even recommended some great books that I allowed myself to read thanks to the weak adhesive holding her Book Club sticker on the cover. Oprah does not get the Butt-Licker because of some underlying psychological reason for philanthropic efforts or the ensuing wave of ego inflation. The well-deserved Butt-Licker is being awarded to Oprah due to her resonating perpetuation of self-proclaimed spiritual advisors. Oprah has used her platform to endorse such new-age spiritualists as Kelly Freston, former model and self-help author, Ronda Byrne, author of the Secret, and Eckart Tolle, author of A New Earth.
Without getting too bogged down with the often absurd details of this new-age spiritualism, it’s a lot of unsubstantiated claims and faith-based rhetoric. If you are capable of faith – believing in something without evidence, which I am not – then great, you should check out some of this stuff because it will more than likely help. Many of these new teachings do make valid arguments, such as the power of positive thought. However, a book like The Secret makes huge (faith-based) inferences about current scientific awareness (quantum mechanics) and the universe (our thoughts) at large. Oh and lets not forget to mention it also claims that the Jews were slaughtered during the holocaust because of their thoughts! If you don’t believe me, read it!
Tolle’s A New Earth, while making several claims on faith, is actually rooted in new metaphysical perspectives on psychology. Actually, Tolle’s teachings parallels Zen Buddhism, which despite supernatural components, has very credible results on the mind as discovered through advances in MRI technology.
Regardless of physiological efficacy of this new age spiritualism, the placebo effect is very powerful on the mind and hey, if it works for you then great. Just be absolutely aware that these so-called spiritual advisors are raking in literal millions upon millions of your dollars. Even Eckart Tolle, perhaps the most credible among the lot, is a multi-millionaire. Does anyone else see a conflict of interest between spirituality and cash?!?! How the fuck can you trust the likes of a Ronda Byrne to guide you through the spiritual ether if her financial agenda, whether intentional or not, far outweighs any other agenda? In terms of spirituality, you should not trust ANYONE who consorts with capitalism!!!
Here is a great article on Oprah and The Secret. http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/03/05/the_secret/
There will be many more Butt-Licker recipients because we all know there are many more Butt-Lickers out there. Before I leave, let me just point out that I don’t blame celebrities for being self-righteous douche bags by accepting our money then telling us how to live our lives. We all have to justify our existence in one way or the other, and when you live as empty a life as most of these people – in terms of Maslow’s Theory – you’d probably do the same thing. Hell I’d probably do the same thing had I been dealt a similar hand, but I wasn’t, they were. I’m not a self-righteous douche bag, they are.
With all that said. My ultimate goal is to win the powerball and become a rich, white, ultra-conservative, religious republican and continue to perpetuate the oppression of poor minorities in order to live in an illusory sense of happiness provided by private jet excursions, Ted Haggard-esque men’s restroom blow jobs, N.I.M.B.Y. and of course jerking off to Jesus because I really, really……..really really really love him.
