Dive Bar: Day 5 and Beyond...

It seems facebook has updated their blog import capabilities to accept jpg's, unbeknownst to me, so I'm re-importing Disparate Thought.

I know it's been a few days since I've updated our dive bar construction, but I have been busy being arguably the best uncle in the world to a nephew trying to overcome a faux-macroglossia disorder:

And putting in 10-hr days in 0-degree F weather:

The bar has been going pretty well when we've had a chance to work on it and one of the main issues has been reaching that critical level of blood-alcohol concentration where productivity is no longer a function of intoxication. The last pic is where we left off tonight.



Next Steps:
1) Measure and cut trim.
2) Paint and apply trim.
3) Install glass blocks.
4) Sand bar top.
5) Figure out how the hell to use a router and make a decorative edge for the bar top.
6) Install bar top.
7) Touch up paint.
8) Install bar prep covering (laminate, tile, sheet metal)
9) Install bar top covering (laminate, tile, sheet metal??)
10) Install interior shelving/wracks
11) Paint cabinet area/Install shelving/wracks
12) Install bar and cabinet lighting (rope lights?)
13) Buy new bar stools
14) Stock bar with all sorts of expensive wines and scotches
15) Site at The Dive bar and drink copious amounts of High Life

PostS: The premise of The Dive Bar is actually a crappy piece of modern art that did not cost shit to construct. Here is the current and projected breakdown of costs for what actually went into the bar:

Dresser: $12
Lumber: $40
Trim: $12
Paint: $30
Glass Blocks: Free
Bar Stools: Free (Indirect Christmas Gifts)
Lights: $25
High Life 24-pack bottles: $12
---------------------------
Total: $ 131

It's not done yet, but I promise when it is: PARRRRRRRRTTTYYYYY

Dive Bar: Day 3 and 4

Who knew using an orbital sander would produce an inordinate amount of respirable particulate matter. The result:

Only thing, when you live with a beautiful wonderfly hygienic young woman, said woman typically frowns upon performing aforementioned videographic actions. The result:

So after Sahar got done waterboarding me, we were finally ready to begin Day 3: Construction Of A Dive Bar To Facilitate The Consumption Of At Least Fifteen Ice-Cold Golden High-Lives In One Sitting In What Is Now A Bar Room As Dusty As John Steinbeck's Imagination.

Day 3 did not start very Jamba Juicish. My circular hand saw jammed and it took me three hours to take it a part and go in from behind (Sahar seriously, get your mind out of the gutter) and fix it. Without this boost in my ingenuitous confidence, I probably would have quit after I had to figure out why all of my screw-heads were stripping. Who the fuck knew I had to pre-drill "pilot holes" to screw? Since I wasn't using the correct pilot-hole bit and just a regular drill bit, I really had to apply aggressive pressure when I was screwing because the hole was pretty small.

First things first: Frame

Did I mention I'm not using any plans other than what my savant mind contains?

Hmmm... ok.. I guess I can start to see how this is going to work.

Day 4: Come To Find Out, It's Just As Easy To Drink At An Incomplete Homemade Bar...

Back side...

So it's coming along slightly better than I thought. There's probably going to be excessive use of trim to cover some small gaps due to shitty sawing, uneven edges, an uneven floor and an ancient uneven dresser. Still, I assure you your beer will NOT fall off the bar top once it's done!

Night

Dive Bar: Day 2

I'm getting really antsy to sit at my own bar in the dark, pounding High Life's (shouldn't it be High Lives?) until I thoroughly resent everyone who is more successful and has more hair than I do. Can't this lead paint remove itself? Scraping is NOT the way to go...

Unfortunately, apartment dwellers don't really need power tools so we had to hit up the Depot and rent an orbital sander. The ironic thing was that we got this at Sahar's insistence, yet I was the one who ended up with the forearms of a 14-year old who just went on a sick-day vhs porn bender. (I never actually did this though. Prove I did). Like pounding High Live's, it wasn't a quick fix, but it did the trick.

Dive Bar: Day 1

There's something therapeutic and fulfilling - working with your hands - constructing a form from nondescript pieces into a finished product whose essence is defined by the "sum of its parts." Creativity is the ability to rearrange pre existing thoughts, words, ideas, hardware, etc. into a new form whose meaning, quality and relevant worth is deeply and perpetually existential.

Fulfillment undoubtedly comes from positive reinforcement, but this recognition is only one component as true gratification comes from viewing your creation as the sole form in a formless world. There is no relativity to bring comparative meaning that too often robs us of a job well done, only the satisfaction that we - using our invaluable finite time - brought a new form into existence. Perhaps the most significant component of creative fulfillment comes from the acknowledgement that living beings can take away something positive from interaction with your creation.

There are no new ideas, just rearrangements of previously existing components. (Don't doubt me. I'll take you down to the molecular level if I have to).
Whether it's having a child, painting a canvas or building a house, find meaning through existentialism and your fulfillment will be far more significant.

Sahar and I built these bookshelves from an idea we saw on Apartment Therapy using plumbing supplies and wood boards. Simple in construction, but building something far more structurally sound, aesthetically pleasing and spatially effective than anything that can be purchased is a great accomplishment for two creative and carpentry beginners.

To keep the ball rolling with this new hobby, Sahar came up with the idea to turn an old dresser into a dry bar. We hope to accomplish one distinct goal from this project (aside from helping Aids patients by purchasing our dresser from Brown Elephant and all that existential fulfillment): To have a credible refuge for our moral-bending debauchery.

There is nothing sophisticated about playing full-beer flippy cup in a cold garage, drinking Tabasco-saturated cuervo shots, smoking on the roof, letting the cat out on the roof, trying to get the cat off the roof, falling off the roof and waking up the next morning in some shrubs after pissing myself. Now to clarify, I never actually did this, but had I performed these shenanigans with, next to and/or on my homemade bar, I'd go from this guy:



To these guys:


(This coincidentally is a tribute to my friend Brain).

Since Sahar and I have no former carpentry experience except Mr. Prusman's 7th Grade Shops class, we will only be using our critical thinking skills. So we're not quite sure how it will turn out, but I can promise you this: YOUR BEER IS GUARANTEED NOT TO SLIDE OFF THE TOP.

This will be the crux of our rehabbed dresser bar. I'm hoping this isn't lead paint.

Sahar attempting to scrape off years of other people's memories (and what I hope isn't lead paint). I'm sure you'll be fine Sahar. This is about where we left after Day 1 and were having the following thoughts:

• Why did we start this?
• I'm bored.
• Can we hire an illegal and/or just buy a bar from Ikea?
• Do we have beer?
• Thank Jebus, we do have beer.
• We have tequila too?! I quit. It's going to be a fun night.

Funniest Fucking (and little known) Cartman Songs + DVDA

The end is the best

Thought Stream...

...Last year when I lived in Canada for five months I befriended a middle-aged retired Navy diver and current explosive ordinance expert. We naturally gravitated toward each other as we were both intelligent, pragmatic Americans surrounded by a bunch of ex-Canadian military, most of whom were in their sixties, some of whom spoke mostly French, all of them ignorant bigots. As the months went by I made perhaps the most significant coming-of-age discovery through my new friend: As Ron Burgundy says, "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly..."

Seriously, when you acquire a taste for scotch, you begin to taste the Elixir-of-the-God's, or Christ Juice as I like to call it. Does anyone else want to get down on their knees and start pleasing Jesus? Feel his salvation all over your face? (The entire clip is genius, but for relevant purposes, it's the 1:35 mark).

------------------


I realized I never formally wrote about my experiences in Iran or posted any pictures. (Or did I?). It was the most unique experience of my life, and for the first time ever, I felt what is was like to want to fight and possibly die for a cause. Of course after 9/11 I was pretty geared up, which most likely influenced my enlightening, yet short-stint in the military several years later. However, the problems with our ensuing police actions were 1) What the fuck did Colin Powell's ethereal UN presentation kicking off our unfortunate relationship with Iraq have to do with terrorist hijackers? 2) While I was deeply upset and infuriated - still am - at those terrorist attacks, the reality was that it did not directly influence my way of life. I still had college classes. I didn't lose my job. I could still drink underage. I didn't lose any freedoms.

The distinct difference came during my civilian tour in Iran when I experienced first-hand the horrors that accompany a totalitarian theocracy: An inability for men to wear shorts in public and much more severe the clothing requirements for woman. The censorship of literature, publications, the media, etc (ie. no freedom of speech). The accounts - and visual scars - from family members and friends who have been detained and beaten for talking with the opposite sex or drinking alcohol. The well-known accounts of the Basij (a militia group) raiding dorms and raping females and murdering both sexes. The blood-stained concrete where just a day ago a protester(s) of the government and elections were shot.

I could go on and I will when I decide to write about my experience, but my point is the difference between our war on terrorism and what I experienced in Iran is the difference between intangible and tangible. Terrorists are these ghosts that no one can see and rarely ever rear their heads in the civilized world, but something that 'should be feared at all times.' The situation in Iran is an ongoing oppression that is clear to anyone who enters. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't be doing something proactive about the aforementioned ghosts, but how do you fight a few bad apples among us all? There is no good answer... it's very difficult. However, my experience in Iran directly affected me and continues to affect many many good people who I care about dearly.



(A rarely addressed irony is that Iran is like a vacation in Del Boca Vista compared to the fucking travesty that is Saudi Arabia and many other Islamic nations).

---------------------------

Sahar just got home and per the norm the first words out of her mouth were -imagine the voice of an abusive Cinderella mouse, "Take your clothes off bitch!!" Then she grabbed my crotch and growled, "I own thisss." I can only cover these bruises for so long... Gotta love the Fridays though. Last Saturday we had rare after-party at our A.P.T. and like clockwork, Brain bought way more alcohol than was needed and now I will be drinking a bunch of his typical leftover Bud Lights.

Tomorrow we'll be attending an ugly sweater party, which is somewhat painful since it is like the most overused cliche amongst young professional Lincoln Park douche bags, but a lot of my friends will be there so I will swallow my pride and attend fully-wooled. (My young pro friends who live in Lincoln Park.. you aren't d-bags.. mostly).

Ok beer beer beer.

Bygones Be Here; I'll Just Leave

British gay roman-catholic libertarian conservative blogger Andrew Sullivan wrote a goodbye letter of sorts divesting himself of anything related to the current US Republican Party (ie. modern conservatism). While Mr. Sullivan's proclamation of homosexuality in conjunction with rigid Christian doctrine effectively robs himself of logical credibility, he nonetheless presents a passionate, succinct argument summarizing what is wrong with intellectual and empathetic stagnation.

A few of his quotes:

• I cannot support a movement that claims to believe in limited government but backed an unlimited domestic and foreign policy presidency that assumed illegal, extra-constitutional dictatorial powers until forced by the system to return to the rule of law.
• I cannot support a movement that exploded spending and borrowing and blames its successor for the debt.
• I cannot support a movement that criminalizes private behavior in the war on drugs.
• I cannot support a movement that holds that purely religious doctrine should govern civil political decisions and that uses the sacredness of religious faith for the pursuit of worldly power.

These are few of the many reasons why I am becoming increasingly militantly-progressive with a dash of libertarianism. For those of you who shiver at that thought, here is the classical definition of progressive:

Promoting or favoring progress toward better conditions or new policies, ideas, or methods

This pragmatic conclusion of mine is a result of one of the very few absolute truths in our shared reality: The earth on which we live is - for all intents and purposes - a closed system* with finite resources. The processes that take place within this closed system are composed of nonlinear dynamics and while natural processes might seek equilibrium, they are always in flux. Furthermore, our brains and the resulting thought processes are perhaps a level of magnitude more complicated and non-static than this closed system in which we reside.

So, we have this dynamic human condition within a relatively, ever-increasing claustrophobic closed system that is also dynamic. These two PERPETUALLY CHANGING factors have, over time, allowed for the creation of societies, economic and political systems. How is it logical for a dynamic, imperfect human to remain socially, economically and politically rigid amongst this never-ending storm? It's not.

One of the best pieces of advice I have been given is that if it's not broken, don't fix it. Unfortunately, sticking with the norm or being conservative in a changing system will only work with only work for so long. I'm not arguing for major changes within any of our current societal systems or foreign policy. I am saying that sometimes it's acceptable to admit that no matter what you know, you might be wrong. Sometimes it's ok to rise a tax for the common good. Sometimes it's ok to limit profits at the top to protect the entire system. Sometimes it's ok to tweak a policy here, remove a policy there and implement an all new policy that does not have a prior precedent. How about some of you stop speaking for a God that doesn't exist (or at least doesn't intervene... oh he does intervene? Tell that to the seven year old that was just raped and beheaded), stop speaking for a christ that is more compassionate and social oriented than you are and stop speaking for the intentions and religious orientation of our founding fathers despite your lack of historical knowledge. (If anything, they were mostly deists, if not agnostics. At the very least they were ardent secularists!!).

Factors change. Demographic fluctuations occur. Viruses and diseases mutate and branch out. Environmental processes ebb and flow from natural and anthropogenic changes. Memes change society. Evolution changes life....

Times change. Conservatives don't.

postS. Andrew Sullivan's article here.

"Capitalism In Its Best Form"

When Dylan Ratigan first came to MSNBC mornings months back, I wasn't really sure how he was going to work out and was quite critical as he baby-stepped into the 8.00AM time slot. However, as he progressed and gained a productive level of comfort, his confidence seemed to open up his natural ability to be an incredibly intelligent and effective, relatively balanced 'new-age' journalist. For those of you who haven't seen him yet, this guy is very sharp and can hold his own with just about any current player out there. Let me just say he does NOT paddycake financial-oriented interviews like I've seen with just about every other host including Wolf Blitzer, Lou Dobbs, Anderson Cooper, Sean Hannity, Bill-O, Maria Bartiromo, Jim Cramer and everyone else at CNBC and Fox News Business.

Also, say what you will about Michael Moore, but comparing him to the liberal version of Ann Coulter is highly inaccurate and is due to an ego-oriented ad hominem attack of the left. I'm not going to turn this post into a defense of Michael Moore; however, some of the flack he is getting about his current movie is that he is preaching against capitalism, but making millions off of this and all of his other endeavours. Well, for those of you who are too ego-centric to form your own objective opinions, he is actually much in favor of capitalism, but a highly regulated consumer protected version of said system.

This is a great video articulating the absurdity of the current Wall Street bonuses and general issues with our heavily UN-regulated economic system that helped put us into our current place (and what little has been done to change this broken system).

I particularly enjoy Ratigan's explanation of "Capitalism in its best form," at the 4:08 mark.

I love you

It Depends What The Definition of Is, Is...

(http://www.disparatethought.blogspot.com/ is back for a few posts)

Define Work. In terms of physics, generally speaking, energy is the ability to do work. Therefore, you could say work is the input of energy to do something useful. Define useful... Ugh. However, if we transfer the idea of 'work' or 'what works' to my rudimentary knowledge of economics, we come up with an infinite number of theories. We'll take two absolutist theories for sake of time. Laissez-Faire-Capitalist-Masturbators suggest that pure Capitalism is a self-correcting system that rewards effort, innovation and intellect. It is also very capable of being an anti-humanist system that rewards misinformation, a disregard for individuals and questionable ethical practices.

On the other side we have nonsensical nearsighted proponents of Socialism, which doesn't reward anyone and stagnates technological innovation and is capable of bogging down quality of life.

Under the Bush administration, the US economic system became more socialist than Hugo Chavez's Venezuala (Funny how I didn't hear any Tea Baggers' ball-stuffed mouths then). Under the Obama administration, we did this more times over bailing out derivative traders (oh but the Ball Mouthers got so panty-twisted when the autos got some tax-payer cash).

We are only as strong as our weakest link. It is very well-documented that the gap between social classes continues to rise. The inherent problem when a very small percentage of the population controls a very high percentage of the population's wealth is that the wealthy have easier access to the control and manipulation of information. Lobbyists, campaign contributions, radio stations and the subtle bending of information towards one's cause seems to be perpetuating the growth and sustainability of the wealthy few.

Conservatives seem to want their cake and eat it too. Particularly more hypocritical and unpragmatic are libertarians. Has anyone ever heard of the Tragedy of the Commons. Bible-thumping missionary-sex'n fornicators are breeding the intellect and rationality out of the rest of us. Get this through all of your govn't phobic minds: FINITE RESOURCES + EXPONENTIAL POPULATION GROWTH does NOT equal PROSPEROUS SUSTAINABILITY. At some point we have to step in as a group and look out for the greater good of the populous over a longer time line. I suggest we all get together in a big group and talk about some ideas. Then, we should pick some individuals who have really good ideas and single them out. These individuals can then take turns talking and the group can then get together and take turns saying who they think has the best idea, then that person can lead the rest of the group. Hmm... sounds a lot like something we have now.

Government is not the answer, but remember this too often glanced over fact: we are the government. However, government is ultimately not the answer and the burden lies on personal responsibility. Remember though we are only as strong as our weakest links and as the socio-economic gap continues to rise, our weak links continue to grow. I'm telling you know, the sign of a more advanced society is a social-oriented society with the benefits of capitalism. Decades from now, barring any major global catastrophe, we WILL have a heavily regulated capitalist society with socialist tones intertwined that are heavily oriented towards education and health as intrinsic rights of EVERY U.S. citizen.

We are all goign to have to give up some freedoms for the greater good. Instead of having eighteen kids like that fucking Christ-humping TLC family, maybe it might be a good idea to limit your procreating to three kids. Is that really that bad? My god. Too many adults in our population act like children when they can't have something.

... Ugh.. my disparate rantings have to end for the day and I'm sure there are more punctures in the above content then the Houston 500, but you get the jiz (ha). I'll end on two frightingly pragmatic and intellegent quotes.

"Private capital tends to become concentrated in [a] few hands, partly because of competition among the capitalists, and partly because technological development and the increasing division of labor encourage the formation of larger units of production at the expense of the smaller ones."

"The result of these developments is an oligarchy of private capital the enormous power of which cannot be effectively checked even by a democratically organized political society. This is true since the members of legislative bodies are selected by political parties, largely financed or otherwise influenced by private capitalists who, for all practical purposes, separate the electorate from the legislature. The consequence is that the representatives of the people do not in fact sufficiently protect the interests of the underprivileged sections of the population. Moreover, under existing conditions, private capitalists privately control, directly or indirectly, the main sources of information (press, radio, education). It is thus extremely difficult, and indeed most cases impossible for the individual citizen to come to objective conclusions and to make intelligent use of his political rights." Albert Enstein


"Corporations are ubiquitous parts of our lives, and those that own and run them want them to remain that way. We eat corporate food. We buy corporate clothes. We drive corporate cars. We buy our fuel from corporations. We borrow from, invest our retirement savings with, and take out our college loans with corporations and corporate banks. We are entertained, informed, and bombarded with advertisements by corporations. Many of us work for corporations. There are few aspects of life left that have not been taken over by corporations, from mail delivery to public utilities to our for-profit health-care system. These corporations have no loyalty to the country or workers. Our impoverishment feeds their profits. And profits, for corporations are all that count." Chris Hedges

I've never felt closer to a lyrical diatribe...

Electricity for Dummies

As an Environmental Scientist (I use the term 'Scientist' quite liberally since I'm only a 'Scientist' in the for-profit consulting sense and not the more admirable for-research sense) who has an interdisciplinary degree covering such subjects as meteorology, geology, hydrology, agronomy, astronomy and even a bit of business, I often times lose touch of certain concepts such as how electricity works. So when I discovered a way to splice furthering my education with psychedelic drug use, I jumped all over it...

Alternative Medicine: Better Take Your Gullibex

Several months back I found myself having a difficult time dealing with some issues and found myself at a desperate end. I even went as far as making an acupuncture appointment despite having no practical knowledge of acupuncture as a therapy of any type or having read any credible peer-reviewed studies. Even though I never followed through with the appointment, this provides a represenative example of capitalistic opportunities through human desperation. I actually just googled acupuncture studies and came across this WaPo article summarizing a study done by the U of Maryland. Accupuncture has anectdotally demonstrated millions of times through the ages its ability to relieve physical symptoms, but guess what?!

"Studies in animals and humans have shown that traditional Chinese
acupuncture releases natural opium-like pain relievers called endorphins, as
well as other chemical messengers, in the brain, spinal cord and pituitary
gland."

HA! Guess where else you can achieve this effect. Um... by cutting yourself or inflicting localized trauma to your body by, oh let's say, tattoos. That is probably why so many people end up getting inked subsequent times.

Alt-therapy is a mutli-billion dollar/year industry, yet the majority of claims are not substantiated by any type of study whatsoever. And, in fact, many studies clearly counter such claims or at least illustrate effects of such therapies as no more efficacious than a placebo. This means that:

1)The mind is a powerful apparatus
2)There is something to the power of positive thought
3)Many people get to positive thought by blind faith in false claims

I'll never forget what my dad told me regarding these magnetic bracelets he wears for his arthritis. "Jake, I don't care if there is proof that magnets relieve pain or if it's just the placebo effect. Frankly, all I'm concerned with is that it works, and it does." I've always said that you have to do what works for you. No one should ever tell a cancer patient that the psychic energy they are receiving from their "healer" is as analogously bogus as bigfoot. However, we should all be aware of charlatans and the damaging illogical fallacies of faith.

What we SHOULD be doing is putting our energies into understanding that:
*THere is no easy way out (wasn't that a song in Rocky montage?)
*Ignorance could be beneficial to your health, but these short-lived benefits far under-weigh the costs to your intellectual development and hence, the perpetuation of an enlightened human race. Oh, as a quick aside, did you know that intelligence has a very proven positive correlation with longevity? Oh oh... and... did you know there is a very concrete negative correlation between intelligence and religiosity? Hmmm...?

Anyway, to give credit where credit is due. One of my favorite blogs is Bad Astronomy, written by Phil Plait, an astronomer and an author. His post on alt medicine, which can be found at the above link, is what motivated my expoundiation. I found two of his quotes particularly pragmatic, compelling and eloquent, which sums this whole mess up better than I ever could.

"A lot of people comment on my blog when I talk about this stuff and call me closed-minded, which makes me chuckle ironically, since most of these people are so anti-science their minds are clamped tight. And in fact I want to test these techniques to separate what works from what doesn’t. "

"My point: when the tests are done, and the technique is shown not to work as promised or even at all, then into the trash bin it goes. That’s science. That’s reality."

Kitty Vindication

I've had quite the influx of complaints at the anticlimactory nature of my last kitten video. I don't know about you, but I laughed like hell at this new one........



... I think something's wrong with me..

American Terrorist Logic

I've determined that inherent in an open-minded, easy-going philosophy on life is not an inability, but rather an unwillingness to form an opinionated lifestyle. This is because at the crux of open-mindedness is an admission to yourself that regardless of the views and opinions you create, there is always a chance that the very opposite is true. I say 'opposite' because the laws of relativity invoke the transitory and illusory nature of 'right and wrong.'

Despite what the theists - mono or poly - say, there is no Absolute Truth for which our decision making has a reference point. More interestingly, and something I would really like to expound on in later posts, is my refutation that morality does not stem from this supposed Absolute Truth that was inserted into each and every one of us prior to birth as a DIVINE SUPPOSITORY; rather, is a byproduct of an evolutionary survival mechanism within a societal matrix. Basically what I propose is that morality started as a cro magnon quid-pro-quo of sorts. It's the same principal we see in schools of fish or herds of mammals. In order to promote survival, the individual - even at the most basic and primitive level - identifies that their chances lie within the group. Therefore, the individual is only as strong and safe as the whole of the group. For sake of time, the conclusion I draw is that after several millenia of evolution, what some see as morality from a God is actually a physiologically conditioned sense of right and wrong in order to strengthen the group in order to preserve the individual.
.......................................

Until Chicago begins to thaw and I buy my first road bike, my north-side/south-side cross-town commute will continue in my truck (28 mpg's so get off my back hippies). Sometimes I take Lakeshore Drive, especially when we have temperate weather because nothing beats the coastal illusion and energetically dense sky line. Other times I'll just hop on the loop. Independent of route is the comfort and joy I feel during the transition of bitter cold to the warmth of my cab with the vital assistance of my Silk'd up English Breakfast tea and talk radio. Since I absolutely cannot stand music radio, I have adopted four talk radio stations. I begin with 820 AM Progressive Talk to get a boost from my fellow compassionate, social-oriented libs. During commercials I'll switch to AM 560 to get an idea of the conservative talking points for the day. When I get tired of politics I'll go to NPR, but when I get tired of hearing about the biography of the first librarian or genocide in Africa, I'll resort to WGN 720 and listen to Kathy and Judy talk about soccer mom drama.

It's really intriguing to andectdotally identify the differences between progressives and conservatives (P's and C's) on the radio. My observations are as follows:

-While rates of Christianity among both groups parallel at high levels, C's tend to adopt more of a literal interpretation of biblical text that leads back to my earlier accusation regarding Absolute Truth and morality. P's tend to follow the teachings of Jesus (as I know him; a fictional being who epitomized compassion and socialism and liberalism) much more closely. P's are spiritual in their religion where as C's lack the right-brain ability to introspectively gain empathy.

-C's are much more narrow-minded (probably a result of their skewed theocratic following), much more likely to judge others and much more stubborn. P's are tolerant of differences and view all human beings of equal worth.

-C's tend to be self-centered and hold grudges. P's are socially generous. C's are mine mine mine.

-P's believe everyone should have an even playing field prior to developing a capitalist identity. C's believe inborn circumstance is tough-luck.

Perhaps the most startling and sad difference, which leads into the main point of this post, is that conservatives spew unadulterated hegemony.

The other morning I was listening to the conservative John & Cisco on AM 560 interviewing Bill Ayers, the media declared 'domestic terrorist' whom Republicans tried to smear Obama's presidential campaign with a supposed association. Regardless of Bill Ayers' political and philosophical ideals, his responses in this interview were eloquent, intelligent, compassionate and humble. However, the comment he made that motivated this blog was perhaps the single most prevalent saying I have ever heard, at least in terms of national identity.

Listen to the interview and decide for yourself:
Bill Ayers Interview on Chicago Conservative Radio

I'll end on the following:
"I love the ideals (of our country), and we should live up to them. The difference between a Patriot and a Nationalist is a Patriot says let's live up to the ideals of this great country. A Nationalist says our country is great no matter what it does." - Bill Ayers

Kittens Inspired By Kittens Hilarity

Michele Bachman Crazy Audio

Dry Sphincter Heaves

So Ketchup Whore, now known as (nka) KW, nka kDub and I decided to delve into the ancient culinary arts of the country surrounded by "The Ring of Fire." For you ignorant fucks who think that's a country surrounded by a Johnny Cash song, it's not. Before I tell you the results of our creative and daring escapade, let me take this moment to foreshadow through a previous publication:

Sunday, July 15, 2007 (London, UK)

Out of Commission

Tragedy has struck my life. My one true love has betrayed me. She was so lean, bright and beautiful. Her personality was so vibrant, spicy when she wanted to be, yet laid back and soothing when my feelings called for it. Above all else, her sensuality was an irresistible gift from an erotic god, a god who blessed my love with a kiss so salty it stung my loins. My erotic god...*sniff*....has forsaken me. I asked for absolutely nothing in return and loved her with every ounce of my palate. Despite my unwavering devotion, she came back and bit me in the ass. Seriously, almost literally. My almost daily SUSHI fix which I loved dearly, gave me Gastroenteritis. More specifically Salmonella. More specifically severe food poisoning. I'm not going to get into details, but it involves the most painful stomach cramps you can imagine and bowel movements so disturbing you'd think there was a rodent in my intestines chewing away. Oh shit (no pun intended), umm..the whole rodent in my intestines wasn't like a Freudian slip or anything. Ok nevermind. I finally had to venture in pain to the hospital where I was treated by young, beautiful British doctor. My boyhood fantasies of a pornographic doctor's office were dashed when I had to describe my bloody stools...amongst other things. To make a long story only moderately long, I have Salmonella, was prescribed antibiotics and three different painkillers that almost make the experience worth the pain. I'm scared to death to eat the only food that really makes me happy and I'm going to end up losing more than a week experiencing this wonderful city. Therefore, at the VERY LEAST, I will be home a week later now. If anyone is wondering why I took time blogging this story, well I've spent the last several days either reading in severe pain or reading in moderate pain. I'm bored. Well I hope everyone else is doing better than I am! Bye Luvs

ps-my blood test indicated I have perfect liver function. Drink too much my ass!

...the ambiance was a cocoon of warmth floating through a dimension void of time and space. There were no consequences of actions undertaken adjacent to our newly created reality. A therapeutic meditation in color and texture that developed an enlightened understanding of Presence, which led to the transcendence of past experience and future anxiety. An olfactory-induced conscious-coma was conceived from volatilizing organic molecules hitchhiking on internal trade winds; a psychedelic sense of invisible movement nudged from a temperature differential created by a life-saving, ass-warming radiator. This organic movement was perhaps substantiated from the tangibly ethereal motions of our mind-expanding byproduct.

No one could have ever have guessed what would happen next.
Come on.. who would have thunk that preparing a meal in this manner could have resulted in any negative consequences:

The following series of images is an illustrated framing of the tragic circumstances that continue to haunt us to this day:

Reverse Spooning

Uh-oh. What ever is that feeling?

First Round (a)

First Round (b)

Second Round (a)

Second Round (b)

Final Round. Butt Heave Power

Fucking Spent

If you could not already determine from the above photographic series that I had acute gastroenteritis, well, naked sushi + socio-economic debate+intense spanking=DRY SPHINCTER HEAVES*

*Originally coined by kDub during her delayed onset gastroenteritis, "Dry Butt Heaves," and later paraphrased by me.

The physiological effects of food poisoning are commonly misunderstood and it is my duty (haha) to educate my readers. Here's how it goes down...or out...

The citizens in the colon are bacteria -- compassionate, free-thinkers granted permission to live and work and raise their families in your large intestine in a free and open society. They're good, honest, educated people. But sometimes bad bacteria, or Catholics, manage to sneak into your stomach, perhaps hitching a ride on ignorance (or in sushi). The Catholics can prevent the good bacteria from doing the job. They will continue to inundate your colon with ignorance, bigotry and harmful pseudoscience. Unfortunately at this point, the colon can only rid itself of ignorance by flushing everything. It fills itself full of fluid to flush everything out -- bad bacteria, good bacteria, and anything else that might be in the colon, like broken glass. Fucking gross Nick. Accounting writes this off as a loss: diarrhea.

Often times during gastroenteritis, the colon cannot recognize when it is void of 'Catholics,' and it continues to attempt to void itself of ignorance. When this occurs, you can experience painful dry-butt-heaves, or as the medical world dictates, Tenesmus. Tenesmus is characterized by a sensation of needing to pass stool, accompanied by pain, cramping, and straining. Despite straining, little stool is passed (Wiki).

We have to ask ourselves, "Was the therapeutic, meditative, psychedelic evening worth it?"

Um... fuck yes.

Michele Bachman is a Cunt

...probably not the most eloquent talking point I ever conjured, but that's how strongly I feel.

Melting into my couch in the early afternoon hour, drinking diet coke and eating dark chocolate -because I still have latent experential post-menopausal conditioning - and watching MSNBC, I see a news conference/protest near the Capital building with the mission statement: NoStimulus(.com). A large group (maybe a couple hundred) of all caucasians backdropped an older Republic gentleman (assumed because they all look the same...like black people.. right conservatives?) spouting talking points about taking back our country from our supposed Stalkin-esque controlling government. "We have 400,000 thousand signatures of average Americans who do not think this bill should pass...should not pass because it is B I G G O V E R N M E N T and more frightingly, socialism!"

Ok.. anyone can hold these protests near the Capital, but this group had several US Congressional members as leaders. So this group of so-called 'avg. Americans' is helped in leadership by noneother than M I C H E L E B A C H M A N...! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I love this picture and here is why.. follow me here. This is a coffee cup with a picture of Michele Bachman rolled up in it -> this either says Bachman is only worthy of being rolled into a dense weapon worthy of beating a poop-happy dog, or is like coffee -> coffee is a stimulant, which in most people produces a laxative effect -> laxatives stimulate the gastrointestinal tract through an increase in rectosigmoid motor activity -> an increase in rectosigmoid motor activity results in uncomfortable, acidic, explosive and watery defecation E R G O Michele Bachman = uncomfortable, acidic, explosive and watery defecation

Remember Michele Bachman? Well she is the Minnesota Republican Congresswoman who stated on Hardball with Chris Matthews that then time presidential candidate Barack Obama and wife Michelle held anti-American views and couldn't be trusted in the White House. More absurdly and McCarthy-incarnate, she even called for the major newspapers of the country to investigate other members of Congress to "find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

She recently told Fox News in a concerned tone that, "We are running out of rich people in this country," and on the stimulus package, "These are morbidly obese levels of spending." Eloquent Michele. For a second I felt bad about the title of this post. As an aside, the other day I was watching a session of congress where an unnamed Republic congressman was giving a refutation of the stimulus bill. His presentation was a series of visual aids illustrating, for instance, what a trillion dollars would look like if you stacked up $1 bills until you reached the sum. Another was how many times a trillion dollars would wrap around the world if you lined $1 bills end to end. This logical fallacy-laced presentation is a blatantly irreverent display of arrogance and ignorance, an insult to his constituency, the American people as a whole and most importantly, me. What a fucking douche bag. What point was he trying to make? That the funds he OK'd for the illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq - ironically now over a trillion dollars - would not pile up to the moon, but a trillion dollar bailout for working class (fucking hard working, non lazy) individuals would pile to Saturn?? ...... Ugh.... I've gone cross-eyed.

How these people gain power can only be testament to the rampant ignorance and seemingly inherent inability to experience empathy that is still roaming our country. Does it surprise anyone that she is a proponent of Intelligent Design Theory, aka Creationism? Obviously spending a trillion dollars for destroying (Republican for 'Giving Freedom') Iraq is necessary, but a trillion dollars to help out desperate middle-class, lower-class Americans is just, well, anti-American. 'God,' what a cunt.

So 400,000 average Americans have signed this petition to stop the stimulus bill.. I'm willing to bet that not one of the estimated 500,000 people who lost their jobs in January have signed this petition. I wonder what NoStimulus thinks of the current 7.2% unemployment rate. You know, had I been born with a silver spoon reamed deeply up my overly-toned sphincter, I'd sign the petition as well; good thing I wasn't. I bet Michele poops cinnamon-scented blood diamonds. Oh don't even get me started with diamonds.

Well anyway, If you currently have a job you should feel pretty blessed compared to a lot of our countrymen. Not to mention the armless children of Darfur (Jen-girl!)

My Pops has always told me that if you have enough money to take care of your basal needs and if money is your biggest worry, you really don't have any worries. So why don't we create new meanings in our life independent of an unnecessary need for social class aspirations and concentrate on concepts such as love, compassion, family, friends and all the other small stuff that makes life worth holding onto that high-velocity projectile? Trust me people, you do not require Uggs or an Armani pea coat to transcend the existential vacuum.

Questions Posed By My Roomate?

If you moved to a planet where it was socially acceptable to shit and piss your pants, how long do you think it would take you to adjust?

What if you moved to a planet where instead of hugging or saying hi, people fucked?