Can you guess which one is me?Oh without a frickin doubt! Modeled after Caucasian journalist/author John Howard Griffin’s social experiment detailed in his 1961 piece Black Like Me, my 2007 work titled, Slut Like Me or Tranny Like Me: What a Joke of an Excuse to be Gay for a Night *he HE* (Wow, that High-Pitched Giggle was a Double Entendre), set out to determine if a self-hating straight man could ascertain a first-hand perspective of the discrimination experienced by dirty whores and transsexuals *pause* or dirty whore transsexuals. Unfortunately, as of yet, no major publications have accepted my study.
In order to divest myself from socially ingrained heterosexual idiosyncrasies, I began haunting the London night to give blow jobs in dodgy neighborhoods….............................................*bet you're nervous*................................. ok that’s not entirely accurate. Actually that Jen-girl dressed up as a man and I documented her dodgy-alley blow jobs. What a sacrifice in the name of social science. *shhhhhhh* Just between me and you I think she had done this before. In all honesty, if my sexual orientation called for laying pipe with the plumber or grooving with that luscious lookin Oak Tree in my backyard, as long as it doesn’t adversely affect the receiver (ok really, really bad choice of words there), you better believe I’m going to partake regardless of stigmatic severity.
After preliminary research was complete, it was time to get into my physical character. With the help of my two roommates, Jean and that Jen-girl, various make-ups were applied; my back was shaved (thanks Jen-girl) to introduce contrast to my man-animal-like chest; a rather small halter top was Hulked on; some rather small capris were strategically zipped up exposing a genital silhouette that gave new meaning to junk in the trunk; and finally the life-blood of my character was placed ever so gently on my noggin in a ceremonial manner that is rivaled only by the dawning of Darth Vader’s mask.
THE ANDROGYNOUS WHORE WAS BORN
Due to my extreme dedication to character and study alike, I got way too fucking drunk and had to interpolate most of my data around three distinct events. Unfortunately my colleagues found this interpolation a blatant attempt to falsify data and blacklisted me from the scientific community. The Androgynous Whore was bitched slapped from every major relevant publication including Nature, Scientific America and BIcurious Biweekly.
Are you wondering what these three distinct events were? Well here they are listed in chronological order.
Distinct Event #1
The Androgynous Whore made out with Daphne from Scooby Doo. I’m not sure what sparked this event, but knew it could only be of utmost importance to my scientific investigation.
Distinct Event #2
Have you ever been propositioned by a lesbian to partake in a threesome with me, shit, I mean you and another heterosexual girl who would only partake if I, shit, I mean you would partake because this horny lesbian really wanted to get with this heterosexual girl? Complex sexual dynamics can only begin to describe that scenario.
Distinct Event #3
At some point in the morning, being guided only by my unconscious self, hair askew with now several protruding bald spots, lipstick smeared all over my face with smearage being a function of my debauchery, an alcohol stained halter top, asphyxiated genitals and with one remaining sandal, The Androgynous Whore ventured out into the London night in search of home. Now barefoot from snapping my remaining foot protection five steps into the journey, The Whore did what she did on her way to the study location earlier in the night. She cocked her wrists, jutted her chest and shook those hips like she had flaming rainbow propellant gushing out her ass. You might think the study reached a climax during Distinct Event #1 or Distinct Event #2, but it actually came a block from home when The Whore passed a group of night people, one of whom yelled, “Fag!” At last, success!! My goal was to experience discrimination and alas, discrimination.
The question that remains, from analysis of failure points and with new protocols, should I perform an analogous study this year? The chances – if only for morale purposes in an attempt to reverse French-Canadian brainwashing – are very good. My plan of action has not yet been finalized, but let me give you an intro into Slut/Gay Study ’08. As of now, my flight home is October 31st, aka Halloween. I know of at least one Halloween party. I have not drank since Labor Day weekend. This may produce a literal all-day bender on Fri, Oct 31st, starting before my flight, resulting in getting dressed up for my flight and carrying these activities long into the night. I mean it only makes sense and in the name of science, what could possibly go wrong?
