The US Air Force has confirmed reports that one of its southern bases improperly detained a contractor during a routine visit. Military spokesperson, Captain Gina Steelfagina, reported that an environmental consultant contracted by the US Government to perform energy related audits at several of its military facilities in the southeast, was forcibly taken into custody and held without due process for minutes, perhaps even fifteen minutes. Capt. Steelfagina cited a lost camera in a highly classified area as the primary reason for the contractor’s detention. “The military admits full responsibility for the extraneous actions taken by some of its members, but this was a proportionate response in accordance with the Patriot Act,” cites Capt. Steelfagina. When asked to reference specific sections of the Patriot Act that allowed the military to respond in this regard, the Capt. stated, “There is only one section of the Patriot Act. You know, the section that grants us dick power, and I’m not talking Cheney.”
Initial attempts to contact the involved party were not successful. However, the Sun City News Team did receive a return call from the same number. Due to FCC restrictions, the conversation cannot be repeated. What we can tell you is that some of the words included: fecal, fascists, I’m, conspiracy, matter, horny, dude, lawsuit and monkey-shit. However, additional attempts were successful and our own Karen Blondielegsdon’tclose was granted an exclusive interview. Here is a preview:
Karen Blondielegsdon’tclose: Jacko Hart, an environmental consultant from a windy Midwest city, was detained, searched and held without as little as a phone call by the US Military for what he has described as twelve minutes of hell. We’re pleased to have with us today Mr. Hart. Mr. Hart, welcome.
Mr. Hart: Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.........please close your legs.
Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: Hehe, sorry they do that sometimes. Mr. Hart, I know that due to ongoing litigation, you have limits on what you can divulge, but can you describe the incident of November 13, 2008, as you saw it?
Mr. Hart: Well I was down here (Florida) to perform various functions of energy management on several military installations to make recommendations to the US Government in the hopes of cutting energy related costs. Upon entering the room in question - which can only be described as similar to those Hollywood military com’s rooms like that in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory starring Steven Segal - the personnel had to cease operations and turn on screen savers that I found a bit disjointed from known military protocol.
So it was during this routine walkthrough of one of the rather more sensitive rooms, my camera, which had been utilized to document areas of needed improvement, fell through a previously unidentified hole in my bag.
Upon exiting the com’s room and entering a less secure administration area, I discovered that my camera was no longer on my person. I decided to retrace my steps and made my way back to the armed guard securing the highly sensitive area. I politely told the guard who was brandishing an M-16 A2 service rifle and a leg-strapped M9 semi-automatic service pistol that I had inadvertently left my camera in the com’s room. Without acknowledging me, the guard spoke inaudibly into an unseen radio device resulting in electronic locks slamming shut on several doors, a red alarm starting to flash and brusquely escorted me into a windowless room with a six-inch steel door.
Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: This is the beginning of what Mr. Hart calls his personal hell. For the next five, perhaps even up to twelve minutes, Mr. Hart was detained without explanation.
Mr. Hart: The military claims they held me for five minutes before clarifying the situation, but I know how to tell time in a windowless cell without a watch or cell phone and it was at least twelve minutes. Twelve minutes I will never get back. Twelve minutes I won’t be able to watch mind-numbingly poor acting on extended basic cable or twelve minutes I often used to make love to my Turkey Template or twelve minutes to clear my bowels in the morning. Basically, the military is saying, “That’s fine. We don’t mind if Mr. Hart poops his pants tomorrow after his coffee.” Had it not been for the seven minute discrepancy, I would not have pursued legal recourse.
Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: Don’t you think the military acted within its rights to protect information that is ultimately used to serve your wellbeing?
Mr. Hart: Look, my checkered history with the military goes back a long way. Like the time they told me to lie then kicked me out for lying. They’re dicks. Let me clarify though. I initially joined the military for my intense respect I have for veterans; however, that doesn’t mean they aren’t dicks. Yet we have to ask ourselves, do we want pussies protecting us? Hell no! So keep on stickin it to the world, dicks, and keep us safe. Good on you guys. I must also say that it seems our dicks have been pumped up by testosterone-infused imperialism the last few years, so hopefully with a new sheriff in town, we can drain some of the blind power. Unfortunately, since our new sheriff is black, our dicks will probably be bigger and more powerful than ever.
Ms. Blondielegsdon’tclose: So you admit that the military is and has to be a big dick in order to protect us; yet, if they’re a dick to you, it is unacceptable?
Mr. Hart: No. This is a fight of principle; a war of attrition if you will. The military has lied to me personally on several occasions and all I want is the admission of the seven minute discrepancy.
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To catch the full interview, tune in to our melodramatic news cast, full of plastic hair and bleached teeth, tonight at 7pm.
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Since we initially brought you the story of Jacko Hart, the government contractor detained and falsely accused of treason by the US military, many events have transpired and it seems civilian life has returned to normal for Mr. Hart; at least for now. We caught up with Jacko as he lounged on one of the many white-sand, turquoise water beaches along the gulf coast.
Mr. Hart: As you can see life is pretty good at the moment.
*Crappy local news montage of Mr. Hart performing various activities with an overlain melodramatic voiceover*
Life has appeared to normalize for Mr. Hart since his time spent in what he refers to as his 12-minute-nightmare.
“See that woman right there?” Mr. Hart referring to the good looking middle-aged black woman lounging up the beach. “She totally came up to me after my run and started making conversation. “I’m pretty sure it’s a Stella and Her Groove Getting Back kind of thing, but frankly, I deserve a black chick.”
Since the incident, Mr. Hart has spent much of his time running and lounging on the beach. The military finally admitted to the ‘lost minutes’ of the detention and as reparations, allowed Mr. Hart to view the Blue Angels from a restricted area. When asked what he will do now:
“It has not been an easy recovery. The events of last week have led me to consume large amounts of Cabernet Sauvignon and Pinot Noir. As of now, I’m just trying to forget. I’ve traveled so much this year; I think it’s time for home. It’s paradise down here, but I miss my brisk, windy city.”
For this lonely soul, it appears cold has never looked so warm.
