Experts are not yet sure which one of these deities was responsible, but the consensus is that it was a group decision most likely taken place at a restaurant known as The Golden Coral, famous for its Divine trough for lower class individuals of greater mass. An unconfirmed report noted that Jesus, being a poor, dirty, whore-fucker (Mary Magdalene) who also enjoys babyback ribs, threw a temper tantrum until his Father, being the most powerful deity, chose the trough.
Time passed not until our compassionate, humble leaders came out of the pew-work and noted that Mr. Hitchen's cancer is the obvious result of his repeated blasphemy and will end in his deathbed conversion. Writer for the online Star Ledger, George Berkin, is quoted as saying,
"It would be a huge blow to Hitchens' ego (as it is to any ego) to admit that he's been wrong these many years. But Hitchens' rebellion against God has been so public that God may require a very public humbling.
But maybe God is doing it this way because he desires that Hitchens give up his "god," that is, Hitchens' pride in being different from the run-of-the-mill mortal. Maybe God is doing it this way so that Hitchens can encounter the God he has been denying for so long, before eternity sets in."
Berkin, being the good Christian he is, also asks all believers to pray for Mr. Hitchens despite his deserved diagnosis. At first I did not understand why we should spend time with this hell-bound mole, but it makes sense after reviewing double-blind studies of prayer in medicine that conclude prayer is no more useful than a placebo effect and actually, if people know that many believers are praying for them, they tend to fair much worse due to an anxiety to get better. Therefore, Hitchens won't get better (pheww!). (Need us not forget that people of faith tend to reference science when it helps our cause, but reject it in defense of God's Will when evidence hurts our ideology).
My fiancée, a rather ignorantly boorish woman with whom I have dominion over, has a scientific (psshh) graduate degree from a non sanctioned (by God) University. She is employed as an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) Physician's Assistant and claims she is inundated with empirical evidence indicating that Mr. Hitchens' cancer was not a result of super-natural punishment. HA! Yeah right.
I have looked at this so-called evidence that has been published in countless peer-reviewed medical journals, textbooks, media programs and while the evidence 'appears' to be valid and while there 'is' a consensus of my fiancée's claim with the same people who have developed what is known as Western Medicine (psshh again), we all know God's Will is not evidential, but based on the Virtue of Faith: Belief in something in spite of all evidence to the contrary and an unwillingness to change our minds even if it makes us look like ignorant stubborn-headed Christards. Let us not forget these are the same people who insist on sticking fingers up Men's butts in order to supposedly "check" the prostate. Need we forget that homosexuals should not be trusted and will burn in hell for their sins?
Rationalists, people of 'reason' and nonbelievers have already begun claiming that even if Mr. Hitchens does have a deathbed conversion, it has no relevance on the validity of their absurd claims that there is no God, or at least the violent megalomeniacal jealous and ignorant God of Abrahamic religions. Remember, people of reason are EVIL! Reason undermines our faith-based belief system and will result in a world where our children will go to Sunday Science School and learn to look at the world objectively and will solve humanity's problems - Divine tests purposely sent down by God - which will lead to better quality of life for everyone. I say, why would we want gays and Mexicans to have a better life?
In the end, my fiancee continues to blasphemously claim that Mr. Hitchens' cancer is the result of years of abuse represented in the images below. What horrible Reason:
