Stream of Lottery-Balls:

Ugh.. I'm super fucking tired because last night in my Kauakauna, WI hotel I "tossed and turned" from 10pm until after 2am, which never happens. I ALWAYS sleep like a rock. My morning could be described by what Rowdy Roddy Piper said in They Live, "Life's a Bitch... and she's in heat." Then it pisses down on me during the entire 'subsurface hydrological investigation' I was conducting. After I get done - muddied, soaked, dejected- it takes me 6 fucking hours to get home for a typical 3.5 hour drive: Traffic. Fucking Traffic. The single leading reason why I want to move on a very private piece of 10 acres. Don't get me wrong, I love the city... most cities in fact. I would rather raise children in the city. It's a perfect place for someone with a hyper 'sympathetic nervous response' because it's wonderful immersion therapy. One of my biggest pet-peeves, especially after living/working in chicago/london for over a combined three years, is when people I come across ask where I live and retort with, "Oh.. I'm from Chicago!! I grew up in Joliet!" Are you fucking kidding me? There is something admirable and challenging and sexy about living in the city. I can so empathize with sahar and her friends and everyone else who is Chicago-proper and have to listen to a bunch of spoiled Schaumbergians tell people that they too are from Chicago. It's like saying you were in Nam, but served in the Texas Air National Gaurd.

It's common knowledge now that BP lobbied the British govt for the release of the lockerbie mass murderer. BP sold their souls and we continue to suck willingly at their over-powering, evil dick. This is sick. We love to bitch them out when they destroy our earth and lobby to free a murderer of innocent people for profits, but continue to lovingly swallow their black jiz without bashing a lash or thinking twice. They are jokes. We are jokes. I stopped buying BP gasoline, but not only is my 401k probably heavily diversified with BP funds, as are all of yours, any other oil companies are just as bad. You'd think by not buying anyting plastic, buying all locally made product and using an electric vehicle would put these guys out of business... HA.. good luck with that. This is an anal-rape Stockholm syndrome. We're hooked. I mean for one, everything is plastic. And two, not only do we not have the electric-generation infrastructure to support even a 100K more electric vehicles, but where teh fuck do yo uthink we're going to get the electricity if a demand is created for these cars? Most likely, coal-fired power plants. Pound for pound... well let's just say this... in terms of pollution and greenhouse gasses: Faith is to Science as Coal is to Petroleum. Ok not the most congruent of ACT questions but illustrates my point nonetheless.

This post is a result of several weeks of chronic anxiety + acute stress + way too much scotch.
If I had a dollar for every one of you I loved I'd hav elike fifteen dollars.

A Book (Book) Review

The term Bible comes from a Greek word meaning books. And here are several reviews of said book(s):

Hell Froze Over

Tonight Bill O'Reilly unexpectedly, pragmatically, rhetorically asked if Al Gore was correct about global warming. This aberration was a result of a recent press release by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric citing recent climatic data indicating June 2010 the warmest month on record and that 2010 is on pace to be the warmest year on record, not to mention that the last decade was the warmest on record. All of this warming, which climatologists cannot explain through natural processes, ironically coincides with an unprecedented amount of unnatural unsequestering (if you will) of greenhouse gasses. Maybe we should listen to the climatologists.

Personally, I have no doubt regarding the validity of anthropogenic alterations of our climate. Deniers - many of whom live in relatively quaint suburbs, all of whom seem to perpetuate their ill-informed views due to an ideological ego-complex - either base their views on faith or actually look at some of the evidence, but retain their status quo because a narrow worldview does not allow abstract ideas to influence their bias. They continue to experience placid springs, frigid winters and that coupled with an ideological ego means all is good in the land of God and guns. You don't have to study the recession of the Greenland Ice Sheet through advanced physical techniques in glaciology to gain a concrete understanding of what is going on.

Simply travel to a city such as Beijing, Tehran, Mumbai or even L.A. and hundreds of others and you will get close-up and personal view (and smell) of how we are warming and changing our world's environment (for the worse). It's not difficult to determine the molecular byproducts of internal combustion, add the roughly 3.6 million cars in Beijing plus all the other internal combustion vehicles in the world, include industrial processes and all of the other inconspicuous sources of CO2, CH4,... including the artificially inflated number of cattle and you'll understand that for the first time in history we are dramatically changing atmospheric constituents at an alarming pace. Something is going to happen. Even if you completely disagree that the current warming trend is man made, you no doubt agree that:

1) If you fucking blow the tailpipe of your Escalade while on, you will pass out or die. If you continue to blow the tailpipe while on, you will turn into a cancer-ridden, conservative Christian invalid. Since most people don't blow their tailpipe, the earth - in a way - is blowing your tailpipe. The tailpipe effluent typically stays in the atmosphere for a long time. This is going to do stuff and if nothing else, destroy our air quality.

2) Current lifestyles are not sustainable. Not the relative ignorant, self-anointed environmental liberal idea of sustainable that is living in a 3,000 square foot home, but taking advantage of Chicago's recycling program. (FYI- None of our current recycling programs are sustainable). And not the conservative definition of sustainable, which is inherently evil because it infringes on personal liberty and is nothing more than green-industry propaganda; rather, sustainable as defined by Thomas Friedman, "Sustainability says that I will behave as if I will always be here and always be held accountable for what took place on my watch."

3) Despite your misguided definition of conservatism and ignorant views on nationalism, you are supporting terrorism. Every dollar of gas you put in your car helps support radical Islamic countries such as Iran and Saudi Arabia who are very well-known financial supporters of groups like the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Hamas and the like.

With this is mind, I think it's a great idea to continue driving your Hummer and supporting a business-as-usual energy paradigm because that doesn't conflict with your conservative views at all.

I Love Airport(s) (Bar(s))

Possibly due to the optimistic excitement created only by large groups of outgoing explorers, or perhaps it is the same characterstic hustle and bustle that draws me to the city, or maybe it is because I am still a little boy when it comes to any type of aircraft, but most likely it is the fact that I can look professional whilst binge drinking large amounts of piss beer.

Mel Gibson's Pancake Nipples in all Their Glory

Possibly the worst idea in the history of mankind is the advent of white undergarments to cover orifices that excrete dark brown, bright yellow, red and sometimes even green. I seriously cannot fathom why anyone would buy white underwear. White underwear is a perfect analog for religion: A great number of people believing a horrible idea because that is what the people before them believed and so on ad infinitum. This case being that it is a good idea to cover a shit-spewing sphincter, for example, with white linen.

Speaking of shit-spewing sphincter, is anyone else tired of the incongruity that is Sarah Palin's logic? The media should also be humiliated for covering Bristol "I preach abstinence-only eduction, but continue to take more black cocks than that blonde in 18 and Taking it Deep 4" Palin and her supposed future husband. It's one thing to cover inane topics such as the Palins and their erroneous relevance, it's another thing to cover Mel Gibson in an attempt to destroy is reputation and career.

I used to think Matt and Trey were being hard on Mel when they would seemingly arbitrarily satirize him. Yet, as a testament to their genius, they were obviously on to something.



He's pretty close to winning the douche of the year award, but a close second would have to be Dr. Phil. God what a douche.

At least legitimate shrinks capitalize on people's problems in private instead of exploiting them for ratings. And please don't think that Dr. Phil's pancake nipples make him credible. A lot of douche bags have wonderful pancake nipples. Hell, I bet Sarah and Bristol have pancake nipples.

pan·cake nip·ple
Pronunciation: \ˈpan-ˌkāk ˈni-pəl\
1. Aeriola or tissue of 'Andre the Giant' proportions around the protuberance of mammary gland, see pannies.

Can you use it in a sentence?

That bitch looked like a shit-spewing sphincter, but Daayyamn! she had some sweet-ass pancake nipples!

I'd like to close with the keys to a Clean Sweep (ie. The ART of defecating without the need to clean up effluent remnants).

1) Fiber, insoluble and soluble
2) Adequate protein
3) Morning and evening squat thrusts
4) Tri-weekly meeting with Colonel and Anel Angus
5) And most importantly, communion. The weekly consumption of the Body of Christ, specifically the portion of his divinely superior small intestine.

Ten Commandments Vs. Ten Commandments:

Let me present a lesson in modern morality - or amorality - brought to you by of those Christ'n Christians, Jump'n Jewsafits and Maulin Muslims. Please allow yourself to be refreshed by the 'moral' foundations many of you continue to fight for in our society. Taken from the book of Exodus, which is the narrative of Moses's acid trip in which 'God' spoke to him and inscripted his absolute moral directives on stone, and retold in Deutoronomy, here is what you've all been waiting for! (with a bit of my rudimentary insight in red)

-I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery (I'm afraid since I was not of Jewish lineage, God technically did not bring me out of the land of Egypt ergo he does not want me to claim him).

-Do not have any other gods before me. (There are a lot of people around the world breaking this one. Is it just me or does God seem more of a self-conscious, pimply-faced deity?)

-You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. (What about Freud's theory of 'Penis Envy.' Many woman subconsciously worship the Almighty Peep. Didn't God make woman in his image from Adam's rib or something. Does God worship the Peep above himself?)

-You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments. (I thought God was all-loving. If you failed to notice, he's flat out saying that he will punish innocent children. Hmm.. jealous and vengeful. What a wise God).

-You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. (My Grandfather used the phrase God Damnit several times a day over the course of his successful and relative fortuitous 85 year-old life).

-Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. (God in human form, God's Son, one of the several Gods that make up what many people think is actually Christian polytheism or some conman (Jesus), says in Mark that not only was the Sabbath made for man, not the other way around, but the Sabath was/is just for Jews, so I guess all of us gentiles (the unchosen people) can sleep in).

-For six days you shall labour and do all your work. (Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. Guess most of the working class is going to hell).

-But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. (Ohhhhhhh.. so God is saying that slavery is morally acceptable. Great!)

-For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it. (I believe we have a name for people who believe this: Fucking Batshit Ignorant DogShit Bloody Tampon-Taco Crazy.

-Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. (Most teenage girls are going to burn).

-You shall not murder. (Duh).
-You shall not commit adultery. (From a social perspective, no. From a biological perspective, adultery is more natural than green grass).
-You shall not steal. (That would be the nice thing. Tell that to the pyramid scheme sub-prime mortgage securities and derivatives dealers, or maybe that should fall under the next one).

-You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

-You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. (Once again, it's ok to have slaves just not fuck them in the physical or in mind. Donkey? Really? Yeah, just because I have a partner means I find all other females hideous. Great intelligent design'n Jebus's Ghost).

For all you people of religion, particularly Abrahamic religions, that proclaim morality is absolute and a derivative of the above commandments, take a look at the list of 'commandments' below. Please read them carefully, study them, meditate (or pray) and compare them with your list. If you can look into your 'soul' and honestly say that you would rather live in the world with the former, we're all fucked. However, I already know your answer; I already know that no matter how much evidence and reason contradicts your amoral and paradoxical belief system, you will always side with your god because THAT IS FAITH. For everyone else, read and be enlightened:

*Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you.

*In all things, strive to cause no harm.

*Treat your fellow human beings, your fellow living things, and the world in general with love, honesty, faithfulness and respect.

*Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.

*Live life with a sense of joy and wonder.

*Always seek to be learning something new.

*Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard even a cherished belief if it does not conform to them.

*Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the right of others to disagree with you.

*Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not allow yourself to be led blindly by others.

*Question everything.

I Worship YOU Carl Sagan!

Somewhere in my awkward adolescents - before my scientific and literary comprehension allowed me to fully grasp the depth of such substance - I read Carl Sagan's "Dragons of Eden." Having won a Pulitzer prize in some years before my conception, this work of art about evolutionary biology, psychology and the like has all but contextually fleeted at this point in my life except for a few thoughts about similarities between the brain scans of humans and chimps. However, as a symbol of my enlightenment for the unrelenting profundity of our existence and 'the' - not our - universe, it persists.


Later, during my intoxicated teens, it was Sagan's "Billions and Billions" that really brought me into the realm of science. Written as a collection of essays on global warming, religion and morality, abortion, anthropology and on and on, "Billions and Billions," in its unpretentious prose, illustrated the sheer breadth of science as a practice and savior: I was hooked.



The final stage in my conversion came in college with "The Demon Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark." A book that should be required reading for all high school students, after consuming this instruction manual on the scientific method as a means of critical thinking, there was no going back. I could no longer accept a claim on face value regardless of volume of belief. I could no longer NOT question authority whether in politics, religion and even science. I finally understood that faith as a virtue meant a life without integrity.



The following is Mr. Sagan at his finest, perhaps because of his relaxing tone or maybe because of the density of consciousness-raising in nine minutes, either way, Carl Sagan has taught me that there is more beauty and wonder in the universe than any religion and spirituality can offer, there is comfort in scientific achievement and there is always hope - without simply conjuring fictions - in what we don't yet know.



via Pharyngula

Days of My Life (via iphone and a self-hating neo-luddite)

We believe this is the elf that tends to defecate in our mouths after long nights of drinking. There is also reason to believe the elf steals my socks and hides my keys. Based on apparent excitement of the elf, it is likely the subject just consumed several of my socks and subsequently took a nice dook in my sleeping mouth.

Rare physical contact with the elusive underpants gnome.

Beast-sitting this cat-dog, Sahar gets a free exfoliation from a sandpaper tongue, but developed a rash probably due to the fact that this thing regularly licks its butt.



Dr. Seuss role-playing.



My home office. It's a much less depressing view in the summer and the thick foliage allows me to work naked without being branded a pervert. It's pretty tranquil until the affluent queens come by walking their noisy ankle-biting designer dogs and bump Cher in their convertibles. No joke. They don't help the stereotype.

I call this "Afternoon Sailing: Horizon Over Easy."

Commuter's view of the most underrated 'coastline' in the world.

Lunch Break
Crosstown bike commute.

Shakira, "Statistics Don't Lie and I'm Starting to Feel It's Right"

"Jake, you have no idea how bad it's getting down there," as my friend attempts to justify Arizona's new immigration bill, most likely in response to the murder of a rancher - suspected by this Fox News report - by an illegal immigrant drug scout. The author takes no time in stating that the rancher was, "...likely killed by an illegal immigrant," but cites circumstantial evidence that would not hold up in any objective court.

I don't want to take away from the tragedy of such senseless violence, and I am in no position to claim an understanding of the Mexican-American border town dynamic, but wish to make two points:

1) This is a perfect example of mob mentality: condemning a group of people based on the actions of a few outliers.

2) There are conspicuous differences between the overwhelming majority of the estimated 12 million illegal immigrants residing in the U.S. and that of illegal immigrants associated with the drug trade.

Take a look at arrest records from around the country to confirm my claim. After all, what is the incentive for someone who takes great risks for a better life just to turn around and break the law by committing a violent crime and risk imprisonment and deportation back to the ghetto? It's simply cost/benefit and the short answer is there is no incentive.

Most of the 'crime' associated with illegal immigration isn't about immigration at all, but about the drug trade, which was brought to Mexico in a large part due to our 'War on Drugs.' The geniuses decided that creating a blockade in the Caribbean would stop drugs and crime in the U.S., but all it did was reinforce the 'path of least resistance' principal. Now, drug cartels have taken over Mexico, created virtual war zones and have ultimately helped in destroying the economy south of the border. And who do we blame but the very hardworking people who have ultimately helped grow our GDP (overall net positive/negative fiscal benefit can be debated).

Conservatives, mostly, are using the increased crime wave caused by illegals to push through the most controversial immigration bill in our history. But, if you look closely and objectively, there is no increased crime wave. The FBI has just released new data indicating that overall, violent crime in Arizona is down.

This debate is as much about violence as a violent regime was Bush's reasoning for going into Iraq. If that was the case, Bush would have gone into Darfur and we would currently be talking about the internal genocide taking place on the streets of Chicago's south-side instead of the 'violence' 'perpetuated' by illegal immigrants in Arizona. But it's not about violence and crime; it's about power and selfishness and a lack of empathy and xenophobia.

President Obama was all but crucified by conservatives when he stated that, "The southern border is more secure today than at any time in the past 20 years." Any objectivist can look at the data (e.g. number of personnel on the border, amount of technological security developments, length and height of physical obstructions and crime rates in southern states) and reasonably make the same deductions of Mr. Obama. Just take a look at these two graphs illustrating violent crime in Phoenix and Mesa over the last decade through data collected by the FBI:

Obviously these aren't exactly 'border towns,' but not only can these data reliably be used as proxies for other towns in Arizona, much of the anti-immigrant and pro-SB 1070 rhetoric comes from cities such as Phoenix and Mesa. There are no doubt many violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants and these graphs also do not represent the first generation children of illegal immigrants, many of whom turn to gangs and other crime as a result of what some experts say is a loss of culture and lack of supervision by parents who have to work long hours and multiple jobs. However, suggesting there is an inherent relationship between illegal immigration and crime is disingenuous at best and is more likely due to the well-documented relationship of poverty and crime.

I have no problem carrying a national i.d. card with me all the time or limiting immigration in the U.S. similar to that of NPOs keeping a large percentage of profits in order to perpetuate their cause, but let's acknowledge that America is not a white-Anglo-conservative closed system, rather it's a country that was the original moral authority as a model for freedom despite race, color and creed.

Christopher Hitchens Meet God's Wrath

Christopher Hitchens, author of "Why God Is Not Great" and most notably known for his unrepentant anti-religious views, has rather unsurprisingly developed esophageal cancer. After years of blasphemy toward, well, all faith ideologies, it's apparent that the God of Christ - or perhaps Allah, or maybe the Jewish Yahweh or Vishnu or Krishna or Nirankar or Buddha, oh and let's not forget conman turned deity Joseph Smith - has smote a group of Mr. Hitchens' esophageal cells with uncontrolled cell division.

Experts are not yet sure which one of these deities was responsible, but the consensus is that it was a group decision most likely taken place at a restaurant known as The Golden Coral, famous for its Divine trough for lower class individuals of greater mass. An unconfirmed report noted that Jesus, being a poor, dirty, whore-fucker (Mary Magdalene) who also enjoys babyback ribs, threw a temper tantrum until his Father, being the most powerful deity, chose the trough.

Time passed not until our compassionate, humble leaders came out of the pew-work and noted that Mr. Hitchen's cancer is the obvious result of his repeated blasphemy and will end in his deathbed conversion. Writer for the online Star Ledger, George Berkin, is quoted as saying,

"It would be a huge blow to Hitchens' ego (as it is to any ego) to admit that he's been wrong these many years. But Hitchens' rebellion against God has been so public that God may require a very public humbling.

But maybe God is doing it this way because he desires that Hitchens give up his "god," that is, Hitchens' pride in being different from the run-of-the-mill mortal. Maybe God is doing it this way so that Hitchens can encounter the God he has been denying for so long, before eternity sets in."

Berkin, being the good Christian he is, also asks all believers to pray for Mr. Hitchens despite his deserved diagnosis. At first I did not understand why we should spend time with this hell-bound mole, but it makes sense after reviewing double-blind studies of prayer in medicine that conclude prayer is no more useful than a placebo effect and actually, if people know that many believers are praying for them, they tend to fair much worse due to an anxiety to get better. Therefore, Hitchens won't get better (pheww!). (Need us not forget that people of faith tend to reference science when it helps our cause, but reject it in defense of God's Will when evidence hurts our ideology).

My fiancée, a rather ignorantly boorish woman with whom I have dominion over, has a scientific (psshh) graduate degree from a non sanctioned (by God) University. She is employed as an Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) Physician's Assistant and claims she is inundated with empirical evidence indicating that Mr. Hitchens' cancer was not a result of super-natural punishment. HA! Yeah right.

I have looked at this so-called evidence that has been published in countless peer-reviewed medical journals, textbooks, media programs and while the evidence 'appears' to be valid and while there 'is' a consensus of my fiancée's claim with the same people who have developed what is known as Western Medicine (psshh again), we all know God's Will is not evidential, but based on the Virtue of Faith: Belief in something in spite of all evidence to the contrary and an unwillingness to change our minds even if it makes us look like ignorant stubborn-headed Christards. Let us not forget these are the same people who insist on sticking fingers up Men's butts in order to supposedly "check" the prostate. Need we forget that homosexuals should not be trusted and will burn in hell for their sins?

Rationalists, people of 'reason' and nonbelievers have already begun claiming that even if Mr. Hitchens does have a deathbed conversion, it has no relevance on the validity of their absurd claims that there is no God, or at least the violent megalomeniacal jealous and ignorant God of Abrahamic religions. Remember, people of reason are EVIL! Reason undermines our faith-based belief system and will result in a world where our children will go to Sunday Science School and learn to look at the world objectively and will solve humanity's problems - Divine tests purposely sent down by God - which will lead to better quality of life for everyone. I say, why would we want gays and Mexicans to have a better life?

In the end, my fiancee continues to blasphemously claim that Mr. Hitchens' cancer is the result of years of abuse represented in the images below. What horrible Reason: