Sunday, July 15, 2007 (London, UK)
Out of Commission
Tragedy has struck my life. My one true love has betrayed me. She was so lean, bright and beautiful. Her personality was so vibrant, spicy when she wanted to be, yet laid back and soothing when my feelings called for it. Above all else, her sensuality was an irresistible gift from an erotic god, a god who blessed my love with a kiss so salty it stung my loins. My erotic god...*sniff*....has forsaken me. I asked for absolutely nothing in return and loved her with every ounce of my palate. Despite my unwavering devotion, she came back and bit me in the ass. Seriously, almost literally. My almost daily SUSHI fix which I loved dearly, gave me Gastroenteritis. More specifically Salmonella. More specifically severe food poisoning. I'm not going to get into details, but it involves the most painful stomach cramps you can imagine and bowel movements so disturbing you'd think there was a rodent in my intestines chewing away. Oh shit (no pun intended), umm..the whole rodent in my intestines wasn't like a Freudian slip or anything. Ok nevermind. I finally had to venture in pain to the hospital where I was treated by young, beautiful British doctor. My boyhood fantasies of a pornographic doctor's office were dashed when I had to describe my bloody stools...amongst other things. To make a long story only moderately long, I have Salmonella, was prescribed antibiotics and three different painkillers that almost make the experience worth the pain. I'm scared to death to eat the only food that really makes me happy and I'm going to end up losing more than a week experiencing this wonderful city. Therefore, at the VERY LEAST, I will be home a week later now. If anyone is wondering why I took time blogging this story, well I've spent the last several days either reading in severe pain or reading in moderate pain. I'm bored. Well I hope everyone else is doing better than I am! Bye Luvs
ps-my blood test indicated I have perfect liver function. Drink too much my ass!
...the ambiance was a cocoon of warmth floating through a dimension void of time and space. There were no consequences of actions undertaken adjacent to our newly created reality. A therapeutic meditation in color and texture that developed an enlightened understanding of Presence, which led to the transcendence of past experience and future anxiety. An olfactory-induced conscious-coma was conceived from volatilizing organic molecules hitchhiking on internal trade winds; a psychedelic sense of invisible movement nudged from a temperature differential created by a life-saving, ass-warming radiator. This organic movement was perhaps substantiated from the tangibly ethereal motions of our mind-expanding byproduct.
No one could have ever have guessed what would happen next.
Come on.. who would have thunk that preparing a meal in this manner could have resulted in any negative consequences:
Come on.. who would have thunk that preparing a meal in this manner could have resulted in any negative consequences:
The following series of images is an illustrated framing of the tragic circumstances that continue to haunt us to this day:
Reverse Spooning
Uh-oh. What ever is that feeling?
First Round (a)
First Round (b)
Second Round (a)
Second Round (b)
Final Round. Butt Heave Power
Fucking Spent
Second Round (a)
Second Round (b)
Final Round. Butt Heave Power
Fucking Spent
If you could not already determine from the above photographic series that I had acute gastroenteritis, well, naked sushi + socio-economic debate+intense spanking=DRY SPHINCTER HEAVES*
*Originally coined by kDub during her delayed onset gastroenteritis, "Dry Butt Heaves," and later paraphrased by me.
The physiological effects of food poisoning are commonly misunderstood and it is my duty (haha) to educate my readers. Here's how it goes down...or out...
The citizens in the colon are bacteria -- compassionate, free-thinkers granted permission to live and work and raise their families in your large intestine in a free and open society. They're good, honest, educated people. But sometimes bad bacteria, or Catholics, manage to sneak into your stomach, perhaps hitching a ride on ignorance (or in sushi). The Catholics can prevent the good bacteria from doing the job. They will continue to inundate your colon with ignorance, bigotry and harmful pseudoscience. Unfortunately at this point, the colon can only rid itself of ignorance by flushing everything. It fills itself full of fluid to flush everything out -- bad bacteria, good bacteria, and anything else that might be in the colon, like broken glass. Fucking gross Nick. Accounting writes this off as a loss: diarrhea.
Often times during gastroenteritis, the colon cannot recognize when it is void of 'Catholics,' and it continues to attempt to void itself of ignorance. When this occurs, you can experience painful dry-butt-heaves, or as the medical world dictates, Tenesmus. Tenesmus is characterized by a sensation of needing to pass stool, accompanied by pain, cramping, and straining. Despite straining, little stool is passed (Wiki).
We have to ask ourselves, "Was the therapeutic, meditative, psychedelic evening worth it?"
Um... fuck yes.
